Notes - How to Win Friends and Influence People in the Digital Age

July 14, 2025

Part 1: Essentials of Engagement

Chapter 1: Bury Your Boomerangs

This chapter establishes that Carnegie's foundational advice to "don't criticize, condemn, or complain" is still relevant, though more complex in the digital age. The immense digital canvas for communication also brings immense accountability and public access, making it easier and faster to damage one's reputation.

The Perils of Digital Criticism

The sources provide several examples of how criticism can backfire in the digital age:

• Dr. Patrick Michael Nesbitt, a former Canadian physician, was fined $40,000 for posting "vicious" and defamatory remarks on Facebook about his daughter's mother.
• Ryan Babel, a Liverpool Football Club striker, was fined £10,000 (about $16,000) for tweeting a doctored picture of a referee with a critical comment. This highlights how what was once private venting can now be public.
• A 2009 study by Proofpoint revealed that 8% of U.S. companies with over a thousand employees reported firing someone for comments on sites like Facebook and LinkedIn. Specific examples include:
  • A waitress fired for a profane Facebook post criticizing "cheap" customers.
  • A Philadelphia Eagles stadium employee dismissed for a derogatory status update condemning the team.
  • Seven Canadian grocery store employees fired for creating a Facebook group that mocked customers and staff.

The authors note that in our communication media, "snark is chic," and many are quick to speak when others are wrong but silent when they are. This culture treats human relations as a battlefield, but such tactics tear down far more often than they build up. They suggest an underlying unilateral motive and move interactions from tame to tense, fueling tension and increasing the gap between message and meaningful collaboration.

Lincoln's Example of Restraint

Abraham Lincoln is presented as a master communicator who approached tense situations with poise and grace. After the Battle of Gettysburg, when General George Meade hesitated and allowed General Robert E. Lee's army to escape, Lincoln was furious. He wrote a harsh, justified letter to Meade expressing his "bitter disappointment". However, Lincoln never sent the letter; it was found among his papers after his death.

Lincoln's reasoning was that sending the letter would have relieved his frustration but simultaneously "ignited resentment in General Meade, further impairing the man’s usefulness as a commander". He understood Meade's pressure and previous successes. By choosing to graciously withhold the cutting letter, Lincoln chose to retain and even increase his influence with Meade. This demonstrates a core truth: we are self-preserving creatures who instinctively defend against threats to our pride, and criticism rarely inspires desired results. It acts like an "invisible boomerang," returning on the thrower and filtering communication through skepticism or incredulity.

Avoiding Boomerangs in the Digital Age

The chapter suggests several ways to avoid critical communication and its negative repercussions:

• Shift your use of media from exposé and objection to encouragement and exhortation. Sharing information with "an ax to grind" makes people question whether they can trust you with their own mistakes.
• Resist badmouthing as a differentiation strategy. In a global economy, a competitor could become a collaborator, and burning relational bridges can be detrimental.
• Make your messages meaningful by removing your agenda. Recipients want value, not just descriptions of your problems or gripes.
• Calm yourself before communicating. The first five minutes of being "put off" are usually the most volatile; taking a step back can prevent public indiscretions.

The overall message is that "the greatest influencers are those who held their tongue and swallowed their pride when the tide of negative emotion was arising, and instead let brevity, humility, and wisdom say far more than a critical tirade ever could". G.K. Chesterton's famous reply, "I am," to the question "What's Wrong with the World?" exemplifies this. His ability to keep his ego in check and respect differing opinions, even with his "friendly enemy" George Bernard Shaw, allowed his influence to reach widely. Ultimately, winning friends and influencing others takes "the understated eloquence of grace and self-deprecation".

Chapter 2: Affirm What’s Good

This chapter focuses on the power of affirming what is good in others to make a lasting impression and gain influence.

The King's Speech and Affirmation

The Academy Award-winning film The King's Speech is used as a prime example. Lionel Logue, the speech therapist, helps Prince Albert (Bertie), who has a stammering problem, become King George VI. In a breakthrough moment, Logue tells Bertie, "Bertie, you’re the bravest man that I know". This affirmation introduced a thought Bertie had never considered, revealing a "fundamentally true, something that was good . . . maybe even great" within him, leading to his transformation. This is contrasted with Ron Schiller of NPR, who chose to disparage those he disagreed with. Logue's path was more influential because it held human dignity in high regard.

The Innate Desire to Be Valued

The sources emphasize that everyone has an "innate, unquenchable desire to know we are valued, to know we matter". However, in today's busy world, affirming this in others is challenging due to obsession with superficial things and constant demands on our time. Yet, this makes employing the principle even more critical.

Affirming the good should not be confused with flattery. Affirmation requires "genuine concern," seeing someone well enough to discern what to affirm, and knowing what truly matters to them. Flattery, conversely, is an admission of insensibility and a betrayal of trust, sending the message "You don’t matter enough for me to pay you much mind". Rick Warren's insight that "People aren’t things to be molded; they’re lives to be unfolded" highlights this distinction. The authors assert that our daily messages should "tip the scales toward affirmation" for greater influence.

Even when someone has faults, focusing on their "best moments" or reminding them "of what he could be—not with hypothetical hype, but with his own history of goodness, of success, of insight" can awaken something inside them.

Lincoln's Spirit of Reconciliation

Abraham Lincoln again serves as a powerful example. In his First Inaugural Address in March 1861, with seven states having already seceded and war looming, Lincoln chose a spirit of reconciliation. He asserted, "We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies". This "audacity" to affirm common ground ("bonds of amity," "mystic chords of memory," "better angels of our nature") during a time of immense division was crucial. It demonstrates that even in frustrating or maddening moments of disappointment or betrayal, we have "rare moments to make a supreme impression" through "undeserved grace or unconditional forgiveness".

Affirmation in Business and Daily Life

Gaining influence means setting yourself apart by acting altruistically and trustworthily. Ed Fuller, President and Managing Director at Marriott International, affirms that "No worthwhile business relationship...can endure without mutual respect" and that "showing adversaries that you regard them with admiration can resolve even violent conflicts". He recounts a story where visiting a hotel owner, seeing his commitment to employees, family, and community, led to a successful agreement despite a prior physical altercation.

The chapter emphasizes that affirmation is for "this time and this age" where communication can be less than dignifying. The digital world can enhance relationship building, allowing us to "spread messages that affirm our friends, fans, and followers in numerous ways over email, Twitter, text, and blogs". Regardless of scale, messages are received on an individual level. The principle that builds influence between a king and his therapist is the same that builds it between a company and its customers or a parent and child.

The chapter concludes with W. Livingston Larned's story "Father Forgets," which Dale Carnegie included in his original book. The story, retold from the perspective of the son, highlights how the child's "unconditional spirit of affirmation" wielded a level of influence that profoundly changed his critical father. This illustrates that "All great progress and problem solving with others begins when at least one party is willing to place what is already good on the table".

Chapter 3: Connect with Core Desires

This chapter argues that to influence others to act, one must first connect to a core desire within them.

The Apple and the Calf: Intuition over Intellect, Gentle Hand

The chapter begins with the success of Apple's iMac and Steve Jobs's vision of the PC as a "digital hub," which was embraced by the public because it connected to their desire for a consolidated digital life. Critics who mocked the vision failed because they didn't connect to this core desire.

The anecdote of Ralph Waldo Emerson and his son trying to force a calf into a barn, contrasted with their housemaid who gently led it in by putting her finger in its mouth (tapping into its desire for food), illustrates two key insights:

1. Influence requires more intuition than intellect. The housemaid, though less learned, possessed the intuition that Emerson lacked. Influence is not about lofty positions or "outsmarting" others; it's about "discerning what they truly want and offering it to them in a mutually beneficial package". President Reagan's success is attributed to "tapping into what people were already feeling".
2. Influence requires a gentle hand. The housemaid's gentle approach highlights that "little moving" is needed to move another to action when their core desire is engaged. President Dwight Eisenhower's motto, "Gently in manner, strong in deed," reflects this.

Harry Overstreet in Influencing Human Behavior is quoted: "First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way".

Dialogue vs. Monologue

The principle is applicable across all industries. Interpersonal efforts succeed when the messenger stops dictating and starts discovering what the recipient wants; they fail when the messenger attempts to tell the recipient what he wants. This is particularly evident in sales, where arguing (staking success on convincing monologues) fails, and dialogue, which builds trust by understanding needs, succeeds. A comparison chart highlights the difference:

• Dialogue: Considerate, Authentic, Transparent, Secure, Interested in meeting needs, Builds trust.
• Monologue: Conceited, Fake, Manipulative, Needy, Interested in making money, Builds tension.

While many organizations invest in campaigning, the chapter argues for prioritizing connecting. A dialogue-based approach provides a "significant advantage" in a world saturated with monologues.

Connecting at a Deeper Level

True change is born of an interpersonal reach that takes hold of the deepest part of an individual. David Shaner, in The Seven Arts of Change, states that lasting transformation begins at a "subtle spiritual level" because "your spirit and mine is the primary driver of all our behavior". This is exemplified by a former U.S. Secretary of Education who, despite giving speeches and attending gatherings, saw no real change in his department until he adopted a "retail" approach. By spending time with civil service workers and kids, listening to teachers, and reconnecting with his own passion for education, he tapped into his employees' core desire for "purpose," reviving their passion and dramatically turning the tide.

The digital age, while enabling one-way communication, also offers "clues or even clear windows to our core desires" through what people reveal on social media (likes, thoughts, hopes). This information is invaluable because "we only move toward what moves us".

Part 2: Six Ways to Make a Lasting Impression

Chapter 1: Take Interest in Others’ Interests

Core Idea

The most effective way to gain real relational traction with others is to become genuinely interested in them. This principle is particularly relevant and, paradoxically, counterintuitive in our current era, which is characterized by intense self-help and self-promotion.

Analogy of Dogs

Dogs serve as excellent role models for this principle. They greet our return, even after a short absence, as if we are heroes. They never criticize or mock and exist purely to befriend us, demonstrating an unwavering joy in our presence. Dogs instinctively understand that showing genuine interest in others quickly builds friendships, more so than trying to make others interested in oneself.

Human Selfishness and its Consequences

In contrast to dogs, humans are often primarily self-interested. This tendency is not new; a 1930s study by the New York Telephone Company found that the pronoun "I" was used 3,900 times in 500 phone conversations. If this self-interest is not managed mindfully, it can lead to "self-detention," cutting us off from meaningful interactions and hindering interpersonal progress. The Austrian psychotherapist Alfred Adler noted that individuals who are not interested in their fellow humans face the greatest difficulties in life and inflict the most harm on others, seeing them as the root of "all human failures".

Modern Relevance and Genuine Connection

Today, people are more discerning and intuitive, quickly identifying messages that serve only personal gain or are based on gimmicks. They are drawn to authenticity and relationships that offer mutual benefit. Influence, ultimately, is an "outcropping of trust"; the higher the trust, the greater the influence. The core idea is not self-denial but rather to incorporate others' interests into your own, leading to your own interests being met through the process of helping others.

Examples of Taking Interest:

• Andrew Sullivan, Political Blogger: He fostered engagement by asking readers to submit "View from Your Window" photos, realizing that "oneway interactions are ultimately boring". This genuine interaction strengthened his reader relationships and significantly increased traffic to his platform.
• Anne Rice, Bestselling Author: Her sustained success, particularly with her vampire books, was partly due to her genuine interest in her readers. She personally responded to every piece of fan mail, even employing three full-time staff members to manage the volume. She now uses social media like Facebook and Twitter to maintain direct conversations with her "People of the Page" community.
• Steve Beecham, Business Owner: After multiple business failures, he realized his approach was wrong; he was pursuing business when he should have been pursuing relationships. A chance encounter with a selfless celebrity who asked him many thoughtful personal questions taught him to become a "problem solver and a promoter" without expectation of immediate return. This shift transformed his mortgage company into a 100% referral-based business, with people calling him for advice on diverse topics beyond mortgages.
• NASCAR's Fan Engagement: Amy Martin noted NASCAR's success in building "genuine connection and influence" through direct fan access, such as driver Q&As and autograph sessions even on race day. This access builds connection, which leads to relationships, then affinity, then influence, and finally conversion, demonstrating the power of prioritizing fan engagement.

Practical Application in the Digital Age

Even in the digital age, you have many opportunities to show interest. Instead of solely refining digital media, spend time relating to your friends, colleagues, and clients. This can involve posting brief, admiring notes or engaging to discover problems you can solve or pursuits you can promote. Sincerity in these efforts increases the likelihood of meaningful connection and mutually beneficial collaboration.

Chapter 2: Smile

The Unifying Power of a Smile

A smile is arguably the most universal and important social asset, recognized by 99.7% of adults. It holds a rare power to unite people, unlike almost any other gesture or idea. The two most-viewed videos on YouTube, for example, are centered around smiles. Smiling is innate, appearing as early as two to twelve hours after birth, and is crucial for bonding. Even in legal contexts, judges are known to give smilers lighter penalties, a "smile-leniency effect".

The Proliferation Effect of Happiness

A 2008 study in the British Medical Journal by Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler explored the "dynamic spread of happiness in a large social network". They found that happiness spreads up to "three degrees of separation," meaning a person's happiness is linked to that of their friends, their friends' friends, and their friends' friends' friends. Happy individuals tend to be centrally located within their social networks and clustered with other happy people. The study strikingly found that each additional happy friend increases a person's probability of being happy by approximately 9%, a much larger effect than an additional $5,000 in income (2%). This "proliferation effect" extends to online networks, where a follow-up study on Facebook users showed that smilers had more friends and were more central to their networks. The conclusion: "when you smile, the world smiles with you" applies both online and offline.

The Message of a Smile

A smile communicates that we are happy to be with, meet, and interact with others, which, in turn, makes others feel happier dealing with us. Even when we don't feel like smiling, making the effort can improve our own happiness and that of those around us.

Digital Age Challenges and Solutions

The rise of email and texting has created an "emotional desert" where the importance of a smile is often overlooked. Misunderstandings are heightened in digital communication due to the lack of nonverbal cues. To overcome this:

• Emoticons and Emojis provide context in casual digital conversations.
• In more professional settings, your written or spoken voice becomes crucial. The tone and word choice in emails, for instance, are powerful tools for conveying friendliness. Written words, like the corners of a mouth, can convey positive or negative emotion.
• A good rule of thumb for written messages is to begin and end on a positive note. If positive emotion cannot be conveyed, it's better not to write at all, as negative written words are permanent and difficult to silence.
• Twitter research confirms that emotions like joy and sadness are infectious through tweets, leading happy people to prefer communicating with other happy tweeters.
• For spoken words, your tone of voice is paramount. Physically smiling, even during a phone call, has been shown to improve voice tone, making it more pleasant and inviting.
• Authenticity is key; while technology can mimic emotions, humans are "wired" with genuine feelings. Dismissing emotions in digital interactions is a significant blunder.

Conclusion

A smile is a profound act that "costs nothing but gives much" and "enriches those who receive without making poorer those who give". It opens the door to healthy human relations, whether visible, written, or verbal.

Chapter 3: Reign with Names

The Power of a Name

A person's name is far more than just a label; it's a "verbal symbol of something much deeper and more meaningful", representing character, personality, and even fate. Historically, in Roman times, removing a criminal's name from the civic register meant the loss of all citizenship rights. Some African tribes still believe a person's given name determines their skills, decisions, and ultimate destiny.

Names in the Digital Age

Today, in the digital age, names function much like company logos, signifying not only identity but also preferences and values. Social media platforms like Twitter and Facebook have created a "name-based economy", where personal names can be branded and monetized, giving new meaning to the concept of a "household name". For instance, Ree Drummond, "The Pioneer Woman," built a million-dollar business from her blog and two New York Times bestsellers, demonstrating the commercial value of her branded name.

The Value of Knowing Others' Names

While one's own name holds value, knowing and using others' names can lead to even greater success.

• Dave Munson, founder of Saddleback Leather Company, built his business by prioritizing personal connections. He frequently speaks with customers and travels to Mexico to meet the leatherworkers, calling them by name and asking about their personal lives. This approach, putting "people’s names before product names and profits," has made his business 100% referral-based.
• Mr. Bates, a business owner, chose Bone's restaurant for client dinners because a waiter named James remembered his name and previous visit, making him feel valued and loyal despite being an infrequent customer.
• Historically, great leaders like Lincoln, Churchill, and Napoleon were known for their ability to remember names consistently. Napoleon III, for example, would ensure he heard names distinctly, ask for spellings, repeat the name multiple times, and associate it with the person's features. For important individuals, he would write the name down, concentrate on it, and then destroy the paper to solidify the memory.

Challenges and Tips in the Digital Age

The internet, with its constant barrage of tweets, news feeds, and messages, is "rewiring our brains" and shortening attention spans, making it harder to remember names. However, this also creates an enormous advantage for those who do.

• Default to using names in greetings (e.g., "Dear Robin," "Good morning, Robert").
• Practice visualization by associating the name with the person's face and interests.
• Be mindful of context and formality: avoid guessing nicknames; research how the person refers to themselves online or how others in similar relational positions address them.

Impact of Using Names

A person is more interested in their own name than "all the other names on earth put together". Using it readily is a "subtle and very effective compliment"; forgetting or misspelling it creates a "sharp disadvantage". It makes you memorable and distinguishes you.

• Dr. Howard Fine, head of neuro-oncology at the National Institutes of Health, exemplifies this by introducing himself simply as "Howard Fine" and encouraging patients to use his first name. This approach helps patients see him not as a detached doctor but as a "highly educated friend, wise confidant, and fierce advocate," fostering trust and rapport essential for their well-being. Carnegie famously stated that names are "the sweetest and most important sound in any language".

Chapter 4: Listen Longer

The Power of Listening

Listening is a powerful tool that can change hearts and minds, because it provides people with what they most desire: to be heard and understood.

The Cost of Not Listening

A prime example of the consequences of failing to listen is the United Airlines incident involving musician Dave Carroll. After his $3,500 Taylor guitar was damaged by baggage handlers, Carroll spent a year trying to get United employees to listen to his complaint, but he was repeatedly dismissed. Frustrated, he wrote a song, "United Breaks Guitars," and uploaded a video of it to YouTube. The video quickly went viral, attracting millions of views and causing United Airlines' stock price to drop by 10%, a loss of $180 million. This widely publicized event starkly demonstrated how the failure to listen can result in significant financial and reputational damage.

Modern Business Perspective on Listening

Loïc Le Meur, founder of Seesmic, argues that traditional online ad campaigns are outdated. Instead, companies need "long-term engagement program[s]" that prioritize listening to customers. Building trust through listening, though a slow process, is what truly yields results.

Historical Examples of Empathetic Listening

• Abraham Lincoln: During the Civil War, Lincoln, burdened by the decision of freeing slaves, spent hours talking to an old friend without asking for advice. He simply needed a "sympathetic, trusted listener to whom he could unburden himself," which helped clarify his mind.
• President Coolidge: When asked how he managed to finish work by 5:00 p.m. despite a long list of callers, he succinctly replied, "You talk back," implying his efficiency came from listening rather than engaging in prolonged conversation.
• Sigmund Freud: A person who met Freud was struck by his "concentrated attention," "mild and genial" eyes, and "extraordinary" appreciation for what was said, highlighting the profound impact of truly being listened to.

The Digital Paradox of Social Isolation

Despite expansive digital networks, studies show people are becoming more socially isolated. The number of close confidants has decreased, and while people may have hundreds of online "friends," they are often not discussing "personally important matters". There is a significant need for people willing to take the time to listen and prioritize human connection over rapid progress.

The Principle of Presence

A key to better listening is presence: "Wherever you are, be all there".

• John, an aspiring political writer, attributes his perfect job interview success rate to this. He approaches interviews as opportunities to learn about people, listening intently to their stories, and has found that this deep listening "imparts a great deal of respect".
• John's Practical Suggestions: He aims to ask fifteen questions per day: 5 deep questions to family/closest people, 5 sincere questions to regular coworkers, and 5 questions for digital interactions (commenting on posts, asking questions in updates).

The Impact of Listening and Learning

Bob Taylor of Taylor Guitars immediately offered Dave Carroll two new guitars after hearing about the United Airlines incident, demonstrating the power of making things right through listening. United Airlines' subsequent public statement acknowledged the "learning opportunity" the viral video provided. The chapter concludes by suggesting that "if you listen and learn, you live more harmoniously".

Chapter 5: Discuss What Matters to Them

The Importance of Others' Interests

To genuinely matter to others, you must discuss what matters to them, as anything else is likely to be ignored. Much of modern communication functions as a "marketing monologue," focused on broadcasting our own lives or products, passively expecting others to engage. This approach is presumptive and ineffective for building lasting influence.

Historical Example of Misunderstanding Needs

In 1810, General William Henry Harrison's attempt to negotiate with Native American chief Tecumseh failed when he offered Tecumseh a chair, presumptuously calling himself "father." Tecumseh rejected the offer, stating, "The sun is my father and the earth is my mother, and on her breast I will lie," and sat on the ground. This illustrates the folly of creating impressions without first understanding the other person's needs or perspective.

Shift to Bridge-Building Dialogue

The solution is to "flip the modern spirits of marketing and social media on their heads" and initiate all interactions by focusing on what matters to the other person. This begins with active listening. Blogger Valeria Maltoni states that "Everyone is wrong about influence...except your customers" and that true influence comes from "drawing together people with shared interests," community building, and allowing others to amplify your influence as you meet their needs.

Building Community and Conveying Value

Focusing on others' interests builds community, which is crucial for long-term success. Customer retention, best viewed as a "lively, meaningful dialogue among a community of friends," should always aim to convey value as soon and as often as possible.

The "Walls" and Digital Influence

The elder in a Senegalese village explained that tearing down walls makes them safer, as "too many things hide behind walls". Similarly, social media expert Charlene Li warns against "fortified digital influence" built on followership rather than genuine friendship, noting that fans have less commitment than true friends. Mitch Joel emphasizes that "millions of followers does not always equal influence"; rather, "smaller, stronger groups are where influence lies," fostered by "real interactions with other real human beings".

Defining "Friend" in the Digital Age

Newton Minow highlights the importance of semantics – the study of meaning – in communication. Mark Zuckerberg's use of "friends" on Facebook is often misunderstood, as the human brain can only genuinely manage about 150 social connections, a concept known as Dunbar's number. While we may not have 150 intimate friends, we can have 150 "influential relationships," which differ from intimate ones in commitment and risk.

Risk and Reciprocity in Relationships

Influence requires accepting the risk inherent in moving people from "curious followers to certain friends," a process that "transcends transactional trends". By prioritizing what matters to others, your influence becomes more potent, and eventually, "what matters to you matters to them".

• Jamie Tworkowski, founder of "To Write Love on Her Arms," demonstrated this. His genuine friendship and intervention in Renee's life (who self-harmed) led to the creation of his non-profit. He distinguishes between his large online following (curious fans) and his smaller circle of true friends, where his influence is deeper and more lasting.

Conclusion on Value and Meaning

Mitch Joel concludes that "True influence comes from connecting to the individuals, nurturing those relationships, adding real value to the other [people]’s lives and doing anything and everything to serve them". In a world overwhelmed by messages, only a small number truly matter; to influence others, ensure your messages are among them by focusing on their concerns.

Chapter 6: Leave Others a Little Better

The Principle of Positive Impact

The core idea is to leave others "a little better" with every interaction. This daily practice significantly improves relationships and expands influence. There are no neutral exchanges; every interaction either improves or worsens someone's state.

The Power of "Small-Picture Thinking"

Focusing solely on "big payoffs," such as gaining a large following, often leads to overlooking "small opportunities that make the biggest difference". These small, consistent actions are the "small seeds planted in the small moments of every day" that lead to significant progress.

• Mike the Cabbie: Steve Scanlon recounts how a cab driver named Mike went significantly out of his way to return Scanlon's lost phone on a busy Halloween night, even refusing extra payment. This "small act of service" had a "big impact," demonstrating the power of "small-picture thinking".

Macy's Sales Manager: A Case Study

A Macy's sales manager initially aimed to double shoe sales through a "big summer sale" and upselling, but this focus on the "big picture" led his team to ignore customer needs, resulting in an 8% sales decrease. For a later Labor Day sale, he shifted focus, emphasizing "small details" of service: walking customers, holding babies, being mindful of their time and budget, all aimed at "making their customers’ days a little better, whether or not they bought shoes". This approach led to a 40% sales increase over the previous month, showing that small, meaningful efforts lead to a "bigger harvest".

Inspiration vs. Implementation

Grand intentions or "big pictures" (like a marriage proposal or business collaboration) often fail to reach their potential if they aren't translated into "small acts of service and value". The Mona Lisa's enigmatic smile, crafted over years, is a famous detail that made the painting priceless; without it, it would be "a big picture that never realized its potential". Similarly, customer service that is merely promised but not delivered in "small increments every day" is just "lip service".

The Motivation Disconnect

Your motivation to win friends (the big picture of loyalty) often differs from what motivates others to grant friendship (their personal experience, "What have you done for me lately?"). The key to interpersonal progress is constantly adding value, and doing so consistently.

Reputation and Significance

Tony Robbins highlights that while infamy is an easy way to gain attention in the digital age (by doing something poorly), the true key to winning friends and influencing people is "moving relationships from manipulative to meaningful" by "constantly adding meaning and value". Every interaction is judged on whether it adds more value or less. Negative fallout spreads swiftly now, making it crucial to always aim to leave others better.

The Golden Rule and Humility

The concept of reciprocal fairness, encapsulated in the Golden Rule ("Do to others what you would have them do to you"), has been taught across cultures for millennia. In the digital age, where many hold a "notion of superiority," subtly showing others they are right can prompt them to return the favor. This embodies humility and altruism, a stark contrast to the "High-Five Nation" culture of self-promotion observed today. As Winston Churchill demonstrated when he told Sergeant James Allen Ward, "Then you can imagine how humble and awkward I feel in yours," leaving others a little better can lead to unexpected personal and professional growth.

Part 3: How to Merit and Maintain Others’ Trust

Chapter 1: Avoid Arguments

The Futility of Argumentation

Engaging in arguments with another person is rarely productive; it usually results in both parties becoming more entrenched in their own viewpoints. Even if you are factually correct, arguing can be as futile as being wrong. The humorist Dave Barry notes that his ability to win arguments leads people to avoid inviting him to parties, highlighting the social cost of constant argumentation.

Digital Age Ramifications

In the digital age, the act of arguing is often amplified and made more damaging due to the immense "digital canvas" of public access. Guy Kawasaki explains that while technology allows wider and cheaper reach, it also enables one to "blow one's reputation faster and easier than ever".

Examples of this include:

• Dr. Patrick Michael Nesbitt, a former Canadian physician, was fined $40,000 for posting "vicious" and defamatory remarks on Facebook about his daughter's mother.
• Ryan Babel, a Liverpool Football Club striker, was fined £10,000 for tweeting a doctored picture of a referee with a disparaging comment. A BBC blogger noted that where Babel once might have vented privately, he now had a public tool for "sounding off".
• A 2009 study found that 8% of U.S. companies with over a thousand employees had dismissed individuals for comments on social media sites like Facebook and LinkedIn. Specific instances include a waitress fired for profane criticism of customers, a Philadelphia Eagles employee dismissed for a derogatory status update about the team, and seven Canadian grocery store employees fired for mocking customers and staff in a Facebook group.

Criticism and complaints, especially online, tend to tear down rather than build up, often suggesting an underlying, unilateral motive and escalating interactions from tame to tense. This environment fosters "talking heads" rather than true leaders, as many prioritize stating their case over meaningful collaboration.

The Lincoln Standard

President Lincoln exemplified the power of avoiding arguments and approaching tense situations with poise and grace. After General George Meade's critical error at Gettysburg, which allowed Lee's army to escape, Lincoln was furious and drafted a harsh letter to Meade. However, Lincoln never sent the letter, recognizing that it would relieve his frustration but "simultaneously ignite resentment in General Meade, further impairing the man’s usefulness as a commander". Lincoln understood that winning the "battle of words" would mean losing the "war of influence". He eventually conveyed his disappointment in a "dignifying manner".

Human Nature and Its Implications

Humans are "self-preserving creatures" instinctively compelled to defend against threats, especially to their pride. As endocrinologist Hans Selye noted, "As much as we thirst for approval, we dread condemnation". Using criticism to win an argument or incite change is counterproductive because it triggers defensiveness, making anything you say filtered through skepticism or incredulity. Critical comments act like "invisible boomerangs," returning on the thrower's head.

Public figures like Mel Gibson and Reverend Jesse Jackson have experienced significant hits to their global influence due to widely broadcast private critical comments. The sources emphasize that global accountability for communication is a "very real possibility," and communication catastrophes can follow indefinitely.

Cultivating Effective Communication

To avoid arguments and foster influence:

• Self-Improvement: Focus on improving yourself rather than others.
• Spirit of Communication: Shift your use of media from "exposé and objection" to "encouragement and exhortation". Sharing information with an "ax to grind" can make others question their trust in you.
• Avoid Badmouthing: Resist using badmouthing as a differentiation strategy, as it can burn relational bridges and hinder future collaborations.
• Meaningful Messages: Remove your personal agenda from messages and focus on providing "value" to recipients. Filling others' "ears, inboxes, and iPhones with descriptions of your latest problem or biggest gripe" will lead them to stop listening.
• Calm Communication: Calm yourself before communicating, especially when upset. The first five minutes are often the most volatile; taking a step back can prevent "hours of backpedaling" and public indiscretions.

The text concludes by quoting an ancient Jewish proverb: "For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you". The greatest influencers in history, like G. K. Chesterton, have demonstrated the power of holding their tongue and embracing humility. Chesterton's famous reply to "What's Wrong with the World?" was "I am.". His ability to keep his ego in check and respect differing opinions, even from antagonists like George Bernard Shaw, allowed his influence to reach widely and profoundly impact others. To win friends and influence others today requires "the understated eloquence of grace and self-deprecation".

Chapter 2: Never Say, “You’re Wrong”

The Detriment of Declaring Others Wrong

Stating that another person is wrong, even if you believe it to be true, is the most effective way to guarantee a negative outcome in an interaction and eliminate any chance of connection or meaningful collaboration. It often leads to personal victory at the expense of collaborative possibility, limiting overall progress.

The NFL/NHL Dispute Analogy

Deepak Malhotra, a Harvard Business School professor, highlights this principle by comparing the 2011 NFL revenue share dispute to the 2004-2005 NHL lockout. In both cases, owners asked players to accept a smaller share of revenues and refused to substantiate their claims, leading to "accusations of greed" and a complete cancellation of the NHL season, resulting in $2 billion in lost revenues. Malhotra argues that the NHL lockout was avoidable if both sides had recognized that the other "may have legitimate concerns" instead of solely focusing on who was "right" and who was "wrong". He emphasizes the importance of "nuance" in the midst of disagreement, stating that differences are often subtler than perceived. As Mahatma Gandhi said, "Friendship to be real must ever sustain the weight of honest differences, however sharp they be".

The Importance of an Open Mind

Corporate behavioral specialist Esther Jeles explains that people often talk because they believe they "know something," which can close off their minds to other possibilities. This leads to interactions focused on rebuttal or rebuke, forfeiting collaboration. Jeles asserts that effective problem-solving, collaboration, and dispute resolution begin with an "emptying of the mind," acknowledging that one may not know all facts or be entirely right. This "humbler and more honest approach" creates the potential for "meaningful collaboration—the melting of thoughts, ideas, and experiences into something greater than the sum of two parties".

A Media Conglomerate's Transformation

Jeles recounts an experience with a media conglomerate facing internal conflict after rapidly deploying employees to cover Hurricane Katrina. Production, legal, and accounting teams were fighting over priorities and expenses. Instead of letting them state their "cases," Jeles invited everyone to ask themselves, "What could I have done differently during this assignment that would have helped the other departments succeed?". This shifted the focus from blame to mutual contribution, leading to quick agreement on solutions and continued collaboration among the executives. The company president noted, "In twenty-five years, I have never attended a meeting where there were more people listening than talking".

The Human Genome Project Collaboration

The collaboration between Dr. Francis Collins, head of the Human Genome Project, and his competitor, Craig Venter, illustrates the power of this principle on a global scale. Despite a public "race" between their projects and their differing personalities, Collins introduced Venter at a White House announcement as having "ushered in a new way of thinking about biology," choosing cooperation over proclaiming Venter wrong. Collins admitted they were "different people... wired in a different way," but saw Venter as a "stimulant in a very positive way".

Dale Carnegie's Personal Lesson

Dale Carnegie himself learned this lesson the hard way. At a banquet, he corrected a man who misattributed a quotation to the Bible instead of Shakespeare. His friend, Frank Gammond, who knew Shakespeare well, subtly intervened by siding with the misinformed man, then later explained to Carnegie, "Why prove to a man he is wrong? Is that going to make him like you?... Always avoid the acute angle". This taught Carnegie the lasting lesson that telling people they are wrong only earns enemies, as most respond emotionally and defensively.

Diplomacy in Communication

It's important not only to avoid the words "You're wrong" but also to guard against conveying judgment through looks, intonation, or gestures. In online communication, a negative tone can easily creep in, making written words, in the absence of expression or a soft tone, appear as condemnation. This is why settling disputes is best done in person, as written words and their negative effects can be permanent and spread quickly.

The advice is to "always default to diplomacy": admit you may be wrong, concede the other person may be right, be agreeable, ask questions, and show respect for their perspective. This "humble approach" leads to "unexpected relationships, unexpected collaboration, and unexpected results".

Chapter 3: Admit Faults Quickly and Emphatically

The Power of Acknowledging Mistakes

The act of quickly and emphatically admitting one's faults is crucial for gaining influence and is ultimately redemptive. While referees make mistakes in sports, what often makes fan exasperation linger is their "inability or unwillingness" to admit errors.

The "Perfect Game Robbery"

A powerful example is the "perfect game robbery" in baseball involving pitcher Armando Galarraga and umpire Jim Joyce. After Joyce made an egregious blown call that cost Galarraga a perfect game, Joyce, realizing his mistake, immediately sought out Galarraga in the Tigers' locker room. Face red and with tears in his eyes, Joyce hugged Galarraga and said, "Lo siento" (I'm sorry). Galarraga's immediate empathetic response ("I know nobody is perfect") and his acceptance of Joyce's apology created a "redemption game," a more memorable moment in sports history than the perfect game itself would have been.

The Cost of Denial

Many struggle to admit mistakes, even though they are a universal part of life. The case of Tiger Woods illustrates the fallout of not doing so. After his car crash and subsequent allegations of extramarital affairs, Woods issued a vague admission and requested privacy. PR experts suggested that a "sincere and swift apology, publicly made, would have brought him to earth in the right sort of way" and helped him return to public favor much sooner. Instead, his professional and personal world collapsed, with sponsors dropping him and his golf skills suffering. Digital Royalty CEO Amy Martin noted that if Woods had "humanize[d] his brand via social media outlets" and allowed people to see the person behind the superstar, perceptions might have been different. In the digital age, negative news spreads faster, making it vital to control the narrative by "coming clean quickly and convincingly".

Conversely, Jason Giambi, a baseball slugger, quickly and tearfully admitted steroid use, leading to public forgiveness and a faster return to normal life. Mark McGwire, who delayed his admission for five years, faced lasting negative perception and struggled to gain Hall of Fame induction.

Benefits of Accountability

Admitting faults "immediately and emphatically" is like issuing a "full-page press release" that conveys genuine care, humility, and a desire to make things right. People are more forgiving of those who are willing to "come clean right away". The source states that "no one changed the circumstances but us" when a mistake is made, emphasizing personal responsibility.

There is a "certain degree of satisfaction" in admitting errors, as it clears guilt and defensiveness and can help solve the problem faster. Ronald Reagan, known as the "Great Communicator," used apologies and self-deprecating humor to disarm critics, recognizing that "it was easier to bear self-condemnation than condemnation from others".

When we admit errors, others typically respond with forgiveness and generosity, diminishing the error's importance. Only when we shirk responsibility does the mistake's negative effect grow.

Private Admissions and Personal Growth

The courage to admit faults privately, especially within families, is also crucial. The story of Anne, a finance executive who concealed a one-time infidelity for six years, illustrates this. When she finally confessed to her husband, his grief broke her "mask of perfectionism," and she was "overwhelmed by... grace and forgiveness" from friends. This experience taught her that "the truth did indeed have the power to set her free," allowing her to be "safe being imperfect".

The chapter concludes that "any fool can defend a mistake—and most fools do—but admitting your mistake raises you above the pack and gives you a feeling of exultation". The example of Jim Joyce and Armando Galarraga is revisited, highlighting their "inspiring, emotional and moving displays of sportsmanship" as a lesson in invoking "class and dignity".

Chapter 4: Begin in a Friendly Way

The Initiator's Advantage

Leadership expert John C. Maxwell states that "successful leaders... are always initiators". He recounts how, as a young leader of a troubled church, he successfully engaged Jim Butz, an influential but maverick lay leader, by initiating a meeting with a "humble acknowledgment" of Jim's influence. Maxwell proposed weekly lunches to make decisions together, stating, "While I’m the leader here, I’ll never take any decision to the people without first discussing it with you". This friendly approach, and Maxwell's willingness to work with Jim rather than against him, earned Jim's loyalty and tears of gratitude, transforming him into an ally.

The Power of Friendliness

Friendliness fosters agreement and openness. A friendly greeting conveys, "You are worth my time. You are valuable," a subtle but powerful message. Sanjiv Ekbote, a Dale Carnegie Training student, demonstrated this when a technician botched a home repair. Instead of ranting, Sanjiv thanked the warranty company representative for the quick service before explaining the problem. This positive start led to an expert technician being sent and the service fee being waived.

The "Reality" Trap and Negative Bias

We often approach difficult conversations with a mindset that "reality" is a bitter pill, focusing on problems. Our brains are wired to pay more attention to negative things, a survival instinct that can skew our perception. Ray Williams notes that "Our negative brain tripwires are far more sensitive than our positive triggers". This negative bias extends to forming impressions of people and colors our communications, making it hard to avoid leading with criticism, which listeners often interpret as solely negative. Studies show performance suffers from negative feedback, and people tend to reject criticism outright, leading to damaged attitudes rather than improvement.

Modeling Positive Behavior

A basketball coach, after a disappointing loss, chose to praise his team for their aggressiveness before practicing free throws, leading to a positive response. An former U.S. Army officer recounted a battalion commander who corrected behavior without yelling or belittling, making him a "better person" and inspiring emulation.

Leaders can influence behavior by modeling it themselves or by:

• Identifying and empowering influential members to model desired behavior.
• Developing a community approach that appeals to the broader good, leveraging peer pressure.
• Making environmental or resource changes to facilitate the adoption of new behaviors.

The Case of the Post-WWII Restaurant Kitchens

After WWII, returning soldiers displaced women in restaurant kitchens, creating animosity and hindering cooperation. William Foote Whyte, a professor, solved this by changing how employees communicated rather than focusing on interpersonal skills or pay systems. He introduced a simple metal spindle for orders, which reduced conflict and increased respectful behavior by establishing a clear process.

Confronting Mistakes Quietly

Sometimes, the best way to correct behavior is to "call out mistakes quietly," using the situation to build self-confidence rather than openly punishing. Pilot Bob Hoover, after his plane was fueled with jet fuel by mistake, didn't scold the mechanic responsible. Instead, he put his arm around the mechanic and entrusted him with servicing his other plane, conveying absolute confidence that the mistake wouldn't happen again. This approach acknowledges that mistakes can stem from extenuating circumstances and should be treated as redeemable instances, not fatal flaws. Such approaches reduce cynicism and encourage people to recover quickly from errors.

Digital Communication and Authenticity

Short digital communications like texts or chats are often insufficient for conveying genuine affability due to their limited space and lack of nonverbal cues. It requires creativity and more time to replicate the effect of a warm smile and a firm handshake. Entrepreneur Gary Vaynerchuk argues that businesses must "relearn the ethics and skills" of old-fashioned "small-town shop owners," minding their manners "authentically". He explains that Virgin Group treats every individual interaction as if they were "going to be sitting next to that person at his or her mother’s house that night for dinner". This shifts accountability to the messenger.

Engagement vs. Interest

Measuring connection solely by recipient response can lead to superficial "entertainment" rather than true engagement. Engagement occurs on a deeper level when core values are tapped, conveying that the other person is "worthy of friendship". The fable of the sun and the wind illustrates that "gentleness and friendliness were always stronger than fury and force". Heartfelt engagement, unlike soulless tactics, builds longevity and trust.

Chapter 5: Access Affinity

The Digital Advantage of Affinity

In the digital age, "affinity often exists before we share the first hello". People can "like," "friend," or "follow" you before ever meeting, establishing common ground and fostering a "fondness that led to deeper friendship". We are naturally drawn to those with whom we have the most in common, making affinity a powerful "door to influence".

The Law of Magnetism

John C. Maxwell's "law of magnetism" states that "who you get is not determined by what you want. It’s determined by who you are" – meaning that in terms of character and commonality, "like attracts like". When someone joins a group, follows a blog, or comments on a site, they are saying "yes" to you, creating a powerful starting position for influence. Getting early "yeses" from someone, even on small points, puts them in a more receptive and agreeable mood for later proposals.

Microsoft's Windows 7 Success

Microsoft learned from the "exasperating launch of Windows Vista" and successfully launched Windows 7 by leveraging affinity. They:

• Solicited "I'm a PC" videos directly from users via YouTube to distinguish themselves.
• Monitored feedback on blogs, Twitter, and Facebook for beta versions.
• Created advertising highlighting customer suggestions, with the tagline "I'm a PC, and Windows 7 was my idea".
• Offered "party opportunities" where fans could host events to show off Windows 7, with Microsoft providing materials. This initiative reached an estimated 800,000 people in 14 countries, effectively getting customers to say "yes".

Empathy as a Foundation

To convert affinity into lasting influence, a "foundation of empathy" is necessary to understand the "ultimate value of our points of affinity" from the other person's perspective. Chris Brogan warns against bombarding people with pitches, likening communication to a "snowfall" of "several touches" that build permission for a relationship, rather than a "blizzard of business".

Newspaper Company's Policy Change

A newspaper company, needing to change its policy on replacement papers due to rising gas prices, initially sent a letter starting with the negative news. This caused irritation. The source suggests a more effective approach: starting with empathy by acknowledging customer frustration ("We recognize how frustrating it can be...") and then presenting the solution (a refund) before explaining the reason for the policy change. This empathetic beginning puts customers in a "much more favorable light".

Two Kinds of Agreement

The text distinguishes two types of agreement:

1. Common Variety: Achieved through dialogue where two parties uncover their shared opinions on an issue.
2. Similarity-Based (Digital Age): Based on two parties "liking the same thing" or being similar people. This "new form of yes" is crucial in the digital age, as people are always drawn to those with whom they have something in common.

The more early "yeses" one gains by "access[ing] affinity," the more likely one is to succeed in capturing a "yes" to a larger idea, solution, or transaction.

Chapter 6: Surrender the Credit

The Illusion of Sole Credit

A Dale Carnegie Training student's story illustrates the danger of taking all the credit. This business owner believed all success in his IT retail company was due to him, insisting on his way and talking down to his partner. Despite winning all arguments, he "lost the partnership and subsequently the company". He later realized that if he had known these principles sooner, his business would be different. He now prioritizes understanding his partners' goals and helping them achieve them.

Taking credit for successes, even when deserved, "will never win you friends" and will "diminish your influence quicker than just about any other action". It sends an "It's all about me" message, driving people away. Conversely, people are drawn to friends and leaders who don't care who gets the credit and who value their contributions.

Giving Away Credit: A Magical Multiplier

Forbes blogger August Turak calls "giving away credit a magical multiplier," effective in both business and personal life. It requires "an attitude of gratitude" to be sincere, as false humility will "backfire". Turak uses the analogy of the Sea of Galilee (teeming with life because it gives its water away) and the Dead Sea (devoid of life because it keeps all for itself) to explain that keeping all good things for oneself turns life into a "briny soup of salty tears".

Surrendering credit is not attention-seeking; it stems from the "supreme confidence" that you are a better person when others know their important role in shared success and your personal success. Awards acceptance speeches are cited as examples where winners express gratitude to those responsible for their success, leading to shared joy and reciprocal gratitude. Greer Garson's long Oscar acceptance speech, full of thank-yous, is mentioned as potentially contributing to her remarkable success.

Cultivating Reciprocity

There are two ways to surround yourself with successful people: seeking friendships with those already successful (no guarantee of mutual success for you) or "seek[ing] success for those who are already friends" (which almost guarantees they will want success for you). Surrendering credit is a lifestyle cultivated out of gratitude, putting others' success first and trusting in "the rubberlike power of reciprocity". Reciprocity is a natural byproduct of true relationships where joys and pains are shared, leading friends to find ways to repay each other. Imagine this spirit spreading through a company or industry, leading to greater enjoyment and natural collaboration.

Ultimately, people remember "magnanimity" more than whose idea it was or who spoke first. The more you surrender credit, the more memorable you become, and paradoxically, the more credit you actually receive. President Ronald Reagan embodied this, stating his goal was to make Americans "believe in themselves again," and famously had a plaque on his Oval Office desk that read: "There is no limit to what a man can do, or where he can go, if he doesn’t mind who gets the credit". This "unconventional mind" understood that "success isn’t about attention and accolades. It’s about partnerships and progress".

Chapter 7: Engage with Empathy

The Transformative Power of Empathy

Empathy is a key element for gaining significant influence. The text revisits the "perfect game robbery" and Armando Galarraga's response to umpire Jim Joyce's error. Despite being "needlessly robbed" of a rare pitching accomplishment and having every reason to lash out, Galarraga chose empathy. He told Joyce, "I know nobody is perfect," and offered him a hug, recognizing Joyce's contrition and choosing to see things from his perspective. This act of "sincerely disappointed and sincerely empathetic" compassion cemented Galarraga's place in sports history more memorably than the perfect game itself would have.

Understanding and Sympathy

In a self-promotional age, taking the time to consider how someone else might feel is rare. When dealing with others, always ask yourself, "How would I feel, how would I react, if I were in his shoes?". Gerald S. Nirenberg notes that "Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own".

By genuinely considering another's perspective, you become sympathetic to their feelings and ideas. Phrases like, "I don’t blame you for feeling as you do. If I were in your position, I would feel just as you do," can stop people, gain their attention, and make them "far more amenable to your ideas". Most people simply seek someone to listen and be sympathetic to their plight.

A Nurse's Profound Impact

The story of Martin Ginsberg, a poor, fatherless boy awaiting orthopedic surgery on Thanksgiving, illustrates this deeply. A young student nurse, despite having to work on Thanksgiving herself, showed him genuine empathy. She wiped his tears, admitted her own loneliness, and shared Thanksgiving dinner with him, staying late until he fell asleep. Ginsberg remembers her warmth and tenderness as making the experience "bearable," highlighting the profound impact of a stranger's empathy.

Cultivating Empathy in the Digital Age

While the digital age offers excuses for misunderstanding due to constant broadcasting, it also provides opportunities to research others' circumstances and avoid assumptions. Every second spent understanding someone's perspective, especially if they are important to you, is "well spent". Empathy is not a natural trait for most, requiring conscious effort. By allowing our own experiences to shape our perceptions of others, we can move to a more influential place.

Empathy is not a "networking tactic to be learned and leveraged"; rather, it is a "link to immediate affluence in human relations". It's about gracefully responding to mistakes and disputes, as Galarraga did, to build confidence and trust.

Chapter 8: Appeal to Noble Motives

The Innate Desire for Transcendence

Humans inherently crave "transcendence"—to be part of something larger than themselves, to be meaningful, and to act honorably. This noble motive is a powerful lever for influence.

Historical Examples of Appealing to Noble Motives

• Lord Northcliffe: The British magnate stopped a newspaper from publishing his unwanted picture not by demanding it, but by appealing to the editor's respect for motherhood, stating his mother disliked the picture.
• John D. Rockefeller Jr.: To prevent photographers from taking pictures of his children, he appealed to their desire to avoid harming children, saying, "You know how it is, boys. You’ve got children yourselves... you know it’s not good for youngsters to get too much publicity".

This approach subtly compliments the other person, conveying, "You are capable of doing the right, honorable, true thing," and "I believe in you," which are powerful motivators.

Sarah's Negotiation with a Coach Company

A Dale Carnegie Training graduate named Sarah faced a coach company suddenly doubling the price for a group transfer. Instead of berating them, she appealed to their "noble motives". She gently pointed out that they had clearly specified the destination and that "as a respectful company, you value your initial offers, and care about maintaining your credibility with your clients". This led to an apology and confirmation of the original price, resolving the problem without further financial or emotional cost.

Idealism and Self-Worth

Author John Eldredge posits that our "deep desires in our hearts are telling us the truth, revealing to us the life that we were meant to live". Everyone possesses something noble and redeemable. When we provide others an opportunity to act on their noble motives, and do not assume selfish or deceitful intentions, we allow them to increase their self-worth and "prove us right about them".

Advertisers effectively use this principle (e.g., campaigns for environmentally friendly products, Dove's "Campaign for Real Beauty"), as do non-profit organizations leveraging social media. People respond favorably when they feel admired for being honest, unselfish, and fair.

The Not for Sale Campaign / Free2Work App

David Batstone, a business professor, started the "Not for Sale Campaign" to expose modern-day slave labor after discovering a local restaurant using it. His Free2Work smartphone app allows consumers to scan products and see a company's manufacturing grade for fair trade and employment practices. This initiative appeals to the noble motives of both consumers (by enabling ethical purchasing) and companies (by holding them accountable to humane standards), inciting positive cultural change.

The "Business of Humanity" in the Digital Age

Digital media maven Amy Martin exemplifies the "business of humanity" and appealing to noble motives. During the 2011 Japan tsunami, she used Twitter to sift and redistribute critical information and asked her followers for valuable updates, spending four hours focused on "people coming together through a virtual medium to help each other," not marketing. She observed a stark contrast with news outlets that toggled between catastrophe footage and celebrity spectacles, noting that they should "care more about saving lives than the Hollywood beat". Martin's followers appreciated her appeal to noble motives in news organizations and all who could help, leading to 1.3 million followers and consulting for prominent businesses and celebrities.

The sources emphasize that social media channels are primarily "interpersonal communication tools designed for humans to connect," not just for marketers. Treating relationships as "tools of transaction rather than transcendence" removes the inherent nobility of shared humanity. To truly connect, one must "celebrate their inherent dignity," which in turn celebrates your own. Appealing to noble motives can move both the masses and yourself forward.

Chapter 9: Share Your Journey

This chapter emphasizes the power of sharing your personal story to connect with others and build lasting influence. People are not interested in being treated as commodities, but rather want to know that they matter and can connect with a larger narrative.

Threading Cotton into a Personal Story

In the 1970s, the cotton industry faced dwindling market share against synthetic fabrics like polyester. To make cotton desirable again, the industry rebranded it with the slogan "Cotton: The fabric of our lives.". This strategic decision involved celebrities pitching the slogan, effectively threading cotton into a personal story to give life meaning, ultimately increasing cotton's market share significantly.

Apple's Vision for Connection

In 2011, Apple was recognized as the world's most admired company. Part of its success is attributed to its 1984 Super Bowl ad for the Macintosh personal computer. The ad aimed to distinguish the Mac from the conformity of IBM, portraying it as a tool for creativity and a shift towards one-on-one business. It symbolized the dawning of a new day where people were not treated as mere Social Security numbers, but as individuals.

TOMS Shoes: A Mission-Driven Narrative

Blake Mycoskie started TOMS Shoes based on a story of deprivation in the developing world: children without shoes. His company's "one-for-one" mission, matching every purchased pair with a donated pair, disrupted his life and garnered significant interest. Mycoskie realized that TOMS was no longer just a shoe company; it was a "one-for-one company," a mission that resonated deeply with people. This mission-driven message meant that people remembered and became strong advocates, sharing his story with others, demonstrating that "influence is given.". The company attracted prestigious partners, including Ralph Lauren, and even inspired an AT&T commercial highlighting Mycoskie's authentic story.

Sharing Personal Challenges Online

The chapter highlights how sharing personal journeys, even challenging ones, fosters connection.

• David Kuo's Brain Tumor Journey: After being diagnosed with a brain tumor, David Kuo and his wife, Kim, decided to share their story publicly on CaringBridge.org. They learned that the more information they shared, the more people they could help, seeing their story as part of something larger. This provided opportunities to connect with others facing similar challenges.
• Ann M. Baker's Breast Cancer Story: A Dale Carnegie Training student, Ann M. Baker, initially treasured her privacy but found herself overwhelmed with email encouragement when her breast cancer news spread. Family acquaintances, even those she had never met, shared their stories and offered support, showing her that "life is not about me. It is about us.". This demonstrated that no one needs to journey alone.
• Live Streaming Personal Events: A digital media blogger chose to live stream her Lasik surgery on her blog, promoting transparency as her currency. This and examples like live streaming weddings or football games for business travelers, illustrate a new way of using the digital world to share personal journeys, creating touch points of commonality.

The core insight is that by sharing your stories, you make your ideas vivid, interesting, and dramatic, encouraging others to share theirs, and together, you create a new and larger story. The authentic intersection of personal and professional life fosters deep relationships, and the more a colleague, friend, or customer shares of your journey, the more you can accomplish together. Ultimately, when your journey becomes "our journey," people are compelled to see where it leads.

Chapter 10: Throw Down a Challenge

This chapter asserts that competition is not a "dirty word" but a necessary force that drives striving and brings out the best in people. It challenges the idea of relational complacency, stating that a life without challenge is a "fruitless life".

Larry and Magic: A Rivalry that Inspired

The rivalry between Larry Bird and Magic Johnson, two NBA legends, epitomized healthy competition. Though they didn't always like each other, their mutual respect was immense. Magic Johnson credited Bird with bringing out the best in him, illustrating that "as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.". Their competition pushed them to excel and defined an era of basketball.

Coke's "Don't Smile" Challenge

Coke issued a unique social media challenge in 2010 by creating a vending machine that dispensed gifts, including free drinks, flowers, and pizza, challenging people not to smile when receiving them. The resulting joy and surprise of the students, streamed on YouTube, led to millions of viewers willingly failing the "no smile" challenge. This demonstrated how a meaningful, even playful, challenge can garner immense engagement and positive results.

Competition Drives Innovation

The intense competition between Microsoft and AOL in the early days of the Internet, despite their loathing for each other, accelerated the availability of cutting-edge services for consumers. This example highlights how competition, even antagonistic, can make companies larger and more successful by pushing for innovation.

The Transformative Power of a Challenge

• Teddy Roosevelt's Physical Transformation: As a sickly child with life-threatening asthma, Teddy Roosevelt's father challenged him: "Theodore, you have the mind but you have not the body... You must make your body.". Roosevelt's fierce determination ("I'll make my body") led him to strenuous exercise, growing in strength, boldness, and daring, ultimately shaping his life. This shows that the challenge itself is just as important as the response.
• Shaun King's TwitChange: Pastor Shaun King sought to raise money for disabled Haitian orphans. He created "TwitChange," a celebrity charity auction where people bid for a celebrity to follow them on Twitter and retweet their posts. Eva Longoria Parker accepted the challenge and encouraged other celebrities to join. This initiative, garnering thirty million hits and raising over $500,000, demonstrated the power of a meaningful challenge in the digital age to achieve wide reach and influence for a noble cause.

The chapter emphasizes that people want to be "leveled up" and have their vision raised, which sometimes requires throwing down a challenge. When competition is stimulated and victory is defined as a collective team victory (for a cause, country, or company), it becomes more compelling because it fosters camaraderie and connection on areas of affinity. The influence gained from throwing down a compelling challenge can lead to lasting friendships and significant positive change.

Part 4: How to Lead Change Without Resistance or Resentment

Chapter 1: Begin on a Positive Note

This chapter emphasizes that when leading change or addressing difficult conversations, it is crucial to begin on a positive note with honest and genuine appreciation.

Why a Positive Start Matters

The sources explain that while a leader's first responsibility is to "define reality," it's often misinterpreted as delivering bad news upfront. Starting with negativity sets a "gloomy and unpleasant stage," causing shoulders to sag and hearts to sink, forcing the leader to work against a "wave of negative psychological and physiological reactions". Our brains are wired to prioritize threats and negative information, making our "negative brain tripwires far more sensitive than our positive triggers". This preoccupation with the negative crowds out positive opportunities and can lead to defensiveness, rejection of feedback, and a sullying of attitude, ultimately harming performance.

Examples of Positive Starts

• Sanjiv Ekbote and the Warranty Company: After a technician worsened a leak, Sanjiv calmly thanked the warranty representative for the quick service before explaining the problem. This honest appreciation led the company to send an expert technician and waive the service fee, showing that a positive approach can result in better service.
• Basketball Coach Trent Lorcher: Following a game lost due to missed free throws, Coach Lorcher chose to praise his team for their aggression in getting to the free-throw line instead of yelling. This positive reinforcement led the players, who were already upset, to respond well and practice free throws diligently.
• U.S. Army Battalion Commander: An officer noted that his battalion commander, unlike others, would counsel him immediately on misbehavior without yelling or belittling. This respectful, non-negative approach embarrassed the officer and made him want to improve, leading him to emulate this leadership style later.
• Sonda's Three-for-One Rule: At the company Sonda, leaders adopted a rule that if an employee wanted to criticize a colleague, they first had to identify at least three good things about that person. This institutionalized a focus on the positive before addressing issues, fostering a more constructive environment.

Tips for Effective Positive Communication

• Be Genuine and Heartfelt: Praise offered must be sincere, not merely a tactic to set up criticism.
• Timely Praise: Deliver praise as soon as possible, rather than waiting for formal meetings, to amplify the recipient's joy.
• Specific Praise: Politeness ("thank you") is not enough; praise should be specific to let individuals know exactly what was valued in their effort.
• Public Praise: Use social media and other platforms to praise publicly, as this is easier than ever and highly motivating.
• Seamless Transition: Create a smooth flow from praise to constructive advice. Instead of using "but," which signals coming criticism, use "and" to connect praise with advice.
• Face-to-Face for Contentious Issues: For particularly contentious topics, a face-to-face conversation is recommended due to the absence of expression and tone in written communication, which can make praise seem false.

Chapter 2: Acknowledge Your Baggage

This chapter asserts that admitting your own mistakes, errors, and fallibility is a critical step in building and maintaining trust with others, especially those you may have wronged.

The Power of Admitting Faults

Admitting mistakes can be incredibly difficult due to high tensions, competition, and a sense of vulnerability, especially when facing someone you've harmed. However, the sources emphasize that this is precisely when it is most effective in defusing situations. Research even links freely admitting mistakes to career advancement. The act of accepting accountability is described as the "hardest and the most important" step in learning from mistakes and encouraging others' trust. Leaders who own up to their errors make a greater impression than those who only revel in their successes, as it humanizes them and makes them more relatable and open to advice.

Examples of Acknowledging Baggage

• Beth, a Fortune 100 Executive: Beth ended a "lengthy, embittered turf war" with a colleague by openly admitting her past disrespectful behavior and apologizing. This led her colleague, Harvey, to also admit his dishonorable conduct, and they agreed to improve their working relationship together.
• Dale Carnegie's Mentoring: When coaching his niece Josephine, Carnegie would acknowledge his own past blunders and inexperience at her age before offering advice. This softened his approach and prevented her from becoming defensive.

Application of the Principle

When you discuss your own mistakes, you direct the other person's attention away from their own faults, soften the interaction, and prevent immediate defensiveness. This creates an environment where trust can build naturally.

Chapter 3: Call Out Mistakes Quietly

This chapter highlights the effectiveness of addressing mistakes indirectly or through modeling behavior, particularly with individuals who might resent direct criticism.

Indirect Correction and Modeling Behavior

Leaders have a powerful tool in modeling the desired behavior themselves. If they don't, the unspoken message is that the behavior isn't truly important. When direct modeling isn't feasible (e.g., due to distance or different roles), leaders can still influence behavior by:

• Identifying and encouraging influential group members to model the desired behavior.
• Developing a community approach by appealing to the "broader good" and leveraging peer pressure.
• Making changes to available resources or the environment to facilitate the adoption of new behaviors.

Consequences of Direct Criticism

The sources explain that openly punishing wrong behavior can instill a fear of failure, discouraging innovation, creativity, and the willingness to speak up. However, failure is an "everyday part of our lives" and should be treated as an opportunity for growth and learning. Leaders should provide a "psychological safety net," which involves a "forgive and remember" approach to help individuals take accountability while managing the demoralizing internal battle of failure. This fosters resilience, enabling people to bounce back from mistakes.

Examples of Quiet Correction

• President Calvin Coolidge and the Cat Burglar: Instead of directly confronting the burglar, Coolidge indirectly called out his mistake by asking him not to take a specific charm and reading its inscription. He then engaged in a "quiet conversation" and even loaned the student money, helping him save face and avoid public humiliation.
• Platoon Leader Dick Winters: During World War II, Winters led by example when his men were pinned down. He jumped into the middle of the road under fire and shouted, "get moving!" This modeled the courage he wanted, prompting his men to advance and take the town.
• Restaurant Industry After WWII: To resolve conflict between cooks and waitresses, a professor suggested using a simple metal spindle for orders. This change in the communication method, rather than direct confrontation or interpersonal skills training, immediately led to decreased conflict and more respectful behavior.
• Pilot Bob Hoover and the Mechanic: After a mechanic mistakenly fueled his plane with jet fuel, causing a crash, Hoover did not scold him. Instead, he put his arm around the distressed mechanic and told him, "To show you I’m sure that you’ll never do this again, I want you to service my F-51 tomorrow." This act of trust and quiet reassurance helped the mechanic save face and learn from his error.
• CEO of a Media Company and a Failed Executive: When a new magazine failed, the CEO publicly congratulated the executive for her courage and skill, clarifying that senior management also backed the decision. This provided a psychological safety net, allowing the executive to save face and learn from the experience without being demoted or fired.
• Health Care Organization Study: In departments where managers explicitly stated that making mistakes was acceptable and did not penalize failure, employees were significantly more willing to experiment with a new data system and became more proficient with it.
• Rubbermaid's Customer Service: When customers mistakenly complain about a competitor's product, Rubbermaid sends a personal letter understanding the mistake due to copycat products and offers a free replacement. This mitigates the customer's "fault" and credibly demonstrates Rubbermaid's value.

Guiding Principles for Mitigating Fault (for minor errors):

• Acknowledge Gently: Acknowledge that a mistake was made, but do so gently, avoiding disingenuous pretense.
• Own Your Role: Recognize and address your own role, even if minor, in the situation.
• Focus on Gains: Emphasize what was gained or learned from the experience.
• Broad Perspective: When appropriate, address the issue from a broader perspective to avoid blaming one individual.
• Avoid Written Communication for Mistakes: For sensitive discussions about mistakes, it's best to communicate in person or over the phone, as written communication (emails, texts) can be misinterpreted and permanently damage reputations. Reserve written communication for praise and constructive advice.

Chapter 4: Ask Questions Instead of Giving Direct Orders

This chapter advocates for asking questions instead of giving direct orders as a superior method for leading change, as it makes directives more palatable, reduces resentment, and fosters creativity and innovation.

Benefits of Asking Questions

People are more likely to follow a new path if they feel they have been involved in shaping it. Asking questions helps overcome the fact that people "don't like to be ordered around". While some leaders may resist asking questions due to a desire for expediency or fear of unpredictable responses, the sources frame this as an opportunity for better answers that may surpass initial expectations. Most employees, when asked, have a keen understanding of their own strengths and weaknesses and will identify areas for improvement themselves. Self-appraisals in performance reviews, for example, lead to more satisfying outcomes and a greater positive effect on performance.

Examples of Asking Questions

• Captain D. Michael Abrashoff of USS Benfold: Instead of issuing orders, Captain Abrashoff interviewed every one of his 310 crew members, asking about their ideas for improving the ship. This led to significant morale shifts, innovations (like reduced painting and on-ship SAT testing), and higher performance rankings because the crew felt their ideas were valued and they had a purpose.
• Bill Marriott Jr.'s Leadership: The Marriott leader constantly visited frontline staff and asked, "What do you think?" This question combated the "Mum Effect" (employees' reluctance to share bad news with bosses), ensuring he received honest feedback and engaged employees in problem-solving.
• Ian Macdonald, Manufacturing Plant Manager: When faced with a large order and a tight deadline, Ian gathered his employees and asked questions like, "Is there anything we can do to handle this order?" and "Can anyone think of different ways to process it...?" The employees generated ideas, took ownership, and successfully delivered the order on time.

Application of Asking Questions

• Performance Reviews: Instead of directly criticizing, managers should institute a self-appraisal stage where employees answer questions like, "What do you think you’re exceptionally good at?" and "Where do you think you could improve?" This often leads employees to the same conclusions as the manager, making the conversation more positive and effective.
• Any Medium: Questions are effective in almost any medium, including texts and tweets. Asking a powerful question in 140 characters or less can prompt reflection and participation from a team.

Ultimately, asking questions allows for a conversation where everyone feels involved in shaping the outcome, which is far preferable to being given an order.

Chapter 5: Mitigate Fault

This chapter advocates for mitigating fault to help others save face, as this approach builds confidence and trust, encouraging risk-taking, innovation, and quicker recovery from mistakes.

The Importance of Saving Face

Many people "ride roughshod over others' feelings," finding fault or criticizing publicly, which instills fear of failure. This fear stifles innovation, creativity, and willingness to speak up. However, failure is an "everyday part of our lives" and a natural aspect of learning and growth. Leaders should provide a "psychological safety net" that allows individuals to save face, fostering accountability while managing the "demoralizing inner battle" of failure. This strategy, known as "forgive and remember," promotes resilience—the ability to bounce back and learn from failures.

Actions for Instilling Organizational Resilience

According to Charlene Li, leaders can take five actions to foster resilience:

1. Acknowledge Failure: Discuss with teams that failures happen and are likely to occur.
2. Encourage Dialogue: Foster open and honest discussion about problems to learn from them early.
3. Separate Person from Failure: Instead of saying "you failed," say "the project failed." This is often closer to the truth and encourages reporting of failures, rather than hiding them.
4. Learn from Mistakes: Ensure that mistakes are treated as learning opportunities and used for coaching.
5. Create a Risk-Taking and Failure System: Be methodical about approaching risk and failure to mitigate emotional responses.

Examples of Mitigating Fault

• Winston Churchill and Sergeant James Allen Ward: When the heroic Sergeant Ward was too shy to speak in Churchill's presence, Churchill mitigated his awkwardness by saying, "You must feel very humble and awkward in my presence... Then you can imagine how humble and awkward I feel in yours." This instantly transformed Ward's demeanor.
• CEO and Failed Magazine Launch: The CEO of a large media company, instead of punishing an executive for a failed magazine launch, publicly congratulated her for her courage and skill, emphasizing that senior management had also backed the decision. This provided a psychological safety net and allowed the executive to save face, fostering a culture of learning from mistakes.
• Health Care Organization Data System Rollout: In departments where managers told employees that making mistakes was "okay" and did not penalize them, experimentation with a new data system was much greater, leading to higher proficiency. Conversely, in punitive environments, lower-status employees avoided the system due to fear of failure.
• Bob Hoover and the Mechanic: After a mechanic's error ruined his plane, pilot Bob Hoover didn't scold him. Instead, he famously told the remorseful mechanic, "To show you I’m sure that you’ll never do this again, I want you to service my F-51 tomorrow." This powerful gesture of trust and forgiveness helped the mechanic recover.
• Rubbermaid's Customer Complaint Policy: Rubbermaid's policy is to send a personal letter and a free replacement product to customers who complain about a competitor's product, understanding the customer's "honest mistake" due to similar products. This mitigates the customer's fault, wins their loyalty, and demonstrates Rubbermaid's value.

Important Distinction

The sources note that this principle applies primarily to mistakes resulting from "minor lapses in judgment, from inexperience, [or] from the need for coaching". However, if mistakes stem from "recklessness, greed, a lack of concern for others' well-being, and a desire to elevate oneself at the expense of others," and there's no remorse, then mitigating fault may not be appropriate. In such severe cases, public comments should be minimized, and issues addressed privately.

Practical Application for Individuals

• When someone doesn't remember you: Instead of saying "We've met before," try, "Oh, hello, Mark. It's nice to see you again. Did I see you at the Better Business Bureau lunch last month? It was a great networking event, although there were so many people, it was a bit overwhelming." This helps the other person save face.
• Written Communication: Avoid discussing mistakes or gaffes in emails, as they are permanent and can harm professional reputations. It is best to address such issues in person or over the phone. Save written communication for praise and constructive advice.

Chapter 6: Magnify Improvement

This chapter argues that praise and encouragement are the two essential elements for motivating individuals to fulfill their potential, improve, and embrace change.

The Impact of Praise and Encouragement

Despite its power, praise is often neglected by managers. People universally "crave appreciation" and "desire to feel important". When individuals are praised for their improvements or good performance, it sends a clear message that their efforts are noticed and make a difference, reinforcing positive behaviors.

Key Advice for Delivering Praise:

1. Be Genuine and Sincere: Deliver praise "from your heart".
2. Be Timely: Give praise "as soon as possible," not waiting for formal meetings, to amplify the recipient's joy.
3. Be Specific: Simple politeness is not praise. People need to know "exactly what you valued in their effort" to feel their efforts are on the right path.
4. Praise Publicly: Leverage social technology to recognize achievements publicly. This is now easier than ever.

The Essence of Encouragement

Unlike praise, which implies evaluation, encouragement can be given at any time, even when things are going poorly, by showing genuine belief in a person's talents, skills, and inherent abilities, regardless of current results. Insincere encouragement, however, is ineffective. Encouragement fosters psychological hardiness—the ability to face stressful challenges, persist, and keep trying. People are more genuinely motivated by personal and social encouragement than by material rewards.

Examples of Magnifying Improvement

• Wallace Pope, Best Western Employee: Best Western created a "Wallace Should Win" Facebook page to gather customers' stories praising Wallace Pope's exceptional kindness and customer service. The overwhelming "heartfelt stories of love and support" became far more meaningful to Wallace than any award.
• Captain Abrashoff's Letters to Parents: Captain Abrashoff of the USS Benfold wrote letters of praise to the parents of his sailors, especially those who weren't "stars" but contributed well to the team. This led to parents calling their children with pride, significantly boosting the sailors' motivation and devotion to the team.
• Clarence M. Jones and His Son David: Jones consistently encouraged his 15-year-old son, David, who was behind in school and labeled "brain-damaged." By breaking down math into small, manageable flashcard sessions, celebrating every small improvement, and telling him he had "total faith in his ability," Jones helped David discover that "learning was easy and fun," leading him to dramatically improve his grades and excel in science fairs.

Essential Practices for an Encouraging Environment:

1. Prioritize Healthy Relationships: Focus on respect and positive communication.
2. Practice Daily Encouragement: Consistently recognize efforts and improvements, showing unwavering faith.
3. Be Inclusive: Involve others in decision-making to show faith in their judgment.
4. Address Conflicts Quickly: Avoid letting conflicts fester, as they can lead to discouraging dialogue.
5. Have Fun!

Chapter 7: Give Others a Fine Reputation to Live Up To

This chapter introduces the powerful principle of influencing others by giving them a fine reputation to live up to, treating them as though the desired positive trait is already an outstanding characteristic they possess.

The "Giving an A" Approach

This approach, exemplified by Benjamin Zander, is described as assuming a "magical perspective" in a cynical world. Instead of measuring people against standards, you treat them "from a place of respect that gives them room to realize themselves". The core idea is that people tend to live up to our expectations, so it's beneficial to create a vision for them that embodies their full potential, both known and unknown. To change someone's behavior, you change the level of respect they receive by bestowing a positive reputation upon them.

Examples of Giving a Fine Reputation

• Benjamin Zander and His Conservatory Students: Zander gave all his students an "A" on the very first day of class. The only requirement was that they write him a letter from the future (dated next May) explaining in detail "what will have happened to you by next May that is in line with this extraordinary grade." This "A" was not an expectation to live up to, but "a possibility to live into". Students transformed "in astounding ways," embodying the greatness he envisioned for them.
• Paige Ann Michelle McCabe's Mother: To get her four-year-old daughter Paige to take responsibility, her mother triumphantly announced that Paige was "old enough to make proper choices" and was now "responsible for choosing your clothes for the next day." Paige eagerly "lived up to the fine reputation of a grown-up four-year-old that had been bestowed upon her," happily dressing herself the next morning.

Chapter 8: Stay Connected on Common Ground

This chapter stresses the importance of finding and staying connected on common ground to effectively influence others and foster genuine, lasting collaboration.

The Power of Commonality

For leaders to influence attitudes or behavior, they need to make people "feel glad to do what is being asked" by connecting their goals to the other person's, creating a win-win situation. Today, with readily available online information (company visions, employee bios, social media posts), it's easier than ever to research and find connections with others' goals, dreams, and values. The "six degrees to Kevin Bacon" concept applies here, suggesting we are "only one degree away from anyone" if we seek common interests, experiences, or goals.

Examples of Staying Connected on Common Ground

• Manufacturing Company Labor Dispute: After a six-month strike, labor and management groups, initially at odds, were asked to list their goals for the company. They discovered their goals were "almost identical" ("a profitable company, stable and rewarding jobs, high-quality products, and a positive impact on the community"). This realization provided a new perspective and "common ground" for future positive outcomes.
• German Dale Carnegie Student's Emails: A shy student wrote emails to famous people like German President Johannes Rau and the Dalai Lama, asking about their backgrounds and personal importance. Both replied with detailed responses, demonstrating that even seemingly unapproachable people will share their stories and motivations when genuine interest is shown.
• Dana White, UFC President, and His Fans: After accidentally tweeting his phone number to over a million fans, Dana White spent over an hour and a half talking to fans who called. This direct, open, and transparent engagement, which continued with a dedicated fan line, fostered a strong grassroots connection. White's "brutally honest and frank" approach to connecting with fans on social media is a key reason UFC is the "fastest-growing sport in the world".
• Patagonia's Office Design: Co-founder Yvon Chouinard designed Patagonia's offices with "no private office" and "open rooms," including for himself and his wife. This design choice fostered "better communication and an egalitarian atmosphere," helping to unite independent-minded employees around common goals.
• Admiral Janitorial Services (Fictional): This company improved employee retention by first addressing their biggest struggle (transportation) and then, by asking employees about their dreams, helping them move closer to those dreams (e.g., connecting a Spanish learner with a Spanish-speaking teacher). This showed employees that the company cared about their personal goals, fostering motivation and loyalty.
• Virgin America's Chihuahua Flights: Virgin America agreed to fly Chihuahuas from overcrowded shelters to new homes. Their digital team promoted this story, which went viral and attracted traditional media, demonstrating successful marketing and connection through a shared, noble cause (helping animals). This built common ground with their audience and led to a successful online sale.

Principles for Connecting and Finding Common Ground:

1. Be Sincere: Don't promise anything you cannot deliver.
2. Be Empathetic: Ask yourself what the other person truly wants.
3. Consider Benefits: Think about the benefits the other person will receive from doing what you suggest.
4. Match Wants: Connect those benefits directly to the other person's wants.
5. Frame for Personal Benefit: When making your request, frame it in a way that conveys personal benefit to the other person.

The chapter concludes that in today's connected world, where physical proximity is less frequent, relational proximity is paramount for maintaining influence. The greatest endeavors are interdependent and interactive, and the "business of humanity" should be central to all interactions.