Notes - The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

November 27, 2024

Chapter 1: Inside the Seattle Love Lab: The Truth About Happy Marriages

The Seattle Love Lab

• The book is based on research conducted at the "Love Lab," where couples volunteered to be observed.
• The couples were monitored from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m., but not in the bathroom.
• The lab was set up like an apartment with a kitchen, phone, TV, and music player.
• Couples were asked to bring whatever they needed to experience a typical weekend.

Goal of the Research

• The goal of the research was to "uncover the truth about marriage".
• The research sought to answer questions about what makes marriages work.

The Seven Principles

• The research led to the development of the Seven Principles for making marriage work.
• These principles are based on data, not opinions.
• The principles are the basis for a couples therapy developed by the author and his wife.

Predicting Divorce

• The author claims he can predict whether a couple will divorce after watching them for only fifteen minutes.
• This prediction is based on the observation and analysis of married couples.
• The author emphasizes that the results of the research, not his own opinions, form the basis of the Seven Principles.

Emotionally Intelligent Marriages

• Couples in successful, long-lasting relationships embrace each other’s needs.
• They have a positive attitude, using "Yes, and..." instead of "Yes, but...".
• They maintain a sense of romance, fun, adventure, and learning.
• These couples have what the author calls an "emotionally intelligent marriage".

The Importance of Friendship

• Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship, with mutual respect and enjoyment of each other's company.
• These couples know each other intimately, including their likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams.
• They express fondness through small gestures daily, not just in big ways.
• Friendship is the foundation of their love.
• Friendship fuels romance by offering the best protection against feeling adversarial when conflicts arise.

The Sound Relationship House

• As partners get to know each other, they build what the author calls their "Sound Relationship House".
• The Seven Principles are the many floors or levels of this house.
• Trust and commitment are the protective, weight-bearing walls of this house.
• The key is to learn how to attune to each other and make friendship a top priority.

The Purpose of Marriage

• In strong marriages, husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning.
• They support each other's hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together.
• Failure to do this often leads to arguments or feelings of isolation.

Marital Success

• The Seven Principles make the secrets of marital success available to all couples.
• Following these principles can lead to positive change, no matter the current state of the relationship.
• The first step is to understand what happens when the principles are not followed by studying marriages that failed.

The Goal

• The goal is to help couples understand why some marriages fail and how to prevent such tragedies.

Chapter 2: What Does Make Marriage Work?

Overview

This chapter explores the core elements that contribute to a successful marriage, contrasting common misconceptions with research-backed principles. It introduces the idea that friendship is the foundation of a happy marriage. The chapter also emphasizes the significance of understanding each other's inner worlds and the importance of positive interactions in maintaining a healthy relationship.

Key Concepts

• Friendship as a Foundation: Happy marriages are built on mutual respect and enjoyment of each other's company. Couples in successful marriages know each other intimately, including likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They show fondness through small gestures daily, not just grand romantic events.
  • For example, the relationship between Nathaniel and Olivia is highlighted, where they stay connected through frequent communication and remembering small but important details about each other’s lives.
• Beyond Communication: While communication skills are important, they are not the only factor in a successful marriage. Focusing solely on sensitive communication is a common misconception.
  • Couples may have good communication, but if they do not have an underlying friendship and positive sentiment, they will not succeed. An example is given of a couple who argue while canoeing, suggesting a common interest is not enough.
• Reciprocity: Good marriages are characterized by spouses responding in kind to each other's positive actions. This involves an unwritten agreement to reciprocate positive behaviors.
• The Seven Principles: The chapter introduces the idea of seven telltale ways that happily married couples are alike. Unhappy marriages consistently come up short in at least one of these seven areas. By mastering these principles, couples can ensure their marriage will thrive.
  • The principles help identify weaknesses in a relationship, allowing couples to focus their attention where it’s most needed.
• Emotional Intelligence: Couples who embrace each other's needs, are willing to say yes, and maintain a sense of romance, play, fun, and adventure, have emotionally intelligent marriages.
• Debunking Myths: The chapter challenges common myths about marriage, such as the idea that it is an extremely complex and difficult institution that most people aren't good enough for. It emphasizes that marriage takes courage and resilience but is not as unattainable as some myths imply.
• The Importance of Daily Connection: The chapter stresses that consistent, small interactions are more vital to a passionate marriage than infrequent, extravagant romantic gestures. The example of Olivia and Nathaniel emphasizes that everyday connection is the foundation of their love.

Insights and Explanations

• Happy couples may not be aware that they are following these principles, but they all do. Unhappy couples, on the other hand, always fall short in at least one of the seven principles.
• Arguments are not necessarily harmful to a marriage, as long as the couple can override the negativity with positive interactions. The focus on resolving conflict can sometimes be misguided and may not be sufficient to tap into the deeper issues that are important.
• A deep friendship is critical for maintaining the passion in a marriage. It protects the relationship against negativity.
• The importance of small gestures is emphasized by the example of Olivia and Nathaniel. They stay connected through frequent contact throughout the day, remembering doctor’s appointments and also family connections.
• Negative interpretations can occur when a couple does not have a strong friendship. A neutral tone can be seen as an attack.
• Masterful couples are not perfect, but they are good at attuning to each other and prioritize friendship. Most couples mess up during marital conflict, but what is most important is if they are able to repair the damage.
• Strong marriages are founded on a shared sense of meaning. The couple supports each other’s goals, hopes, and aspirations.

Examples

• Nathaniel and Olivia: They stay connected despite Nathaniel's long working hours through frequent calls and texts, and remembering important events. This highlights how daily interactions can maintain friendship and romance.
• The canoeing couple: Even when couples share a common interest, that is not enough to help a struggling marriage. This emphasizes the importance of positive interactions in the context of the friendship.
• Couples that maintain connection through the small things have far more passionate marriages than those who only do grand gestures. This shows that daily friendship is far more important than occasional grand events.

Chapter 3: How I Predict Divorce

The Love Lab

The chapter begins with the description of a couple, Dara and Oliver, participating in a study at the "Love Lab". The couples who volunteer for the study are monitored from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. in an apartment-like setting, where they are encouraged to engage in a typical weekend, bringing their own groceries, books, laptops, and even pets. The goal of this research is to uncover the truth about marriage. Dr. Gottman claims he can predict whether a couple will divorce after watching and listening to them for just fifteen minutes.

Criticism vs. Complaint

The chapter emphasizes the difference between a complaint and a criticism. A complaint is specific and includes how one feels, the situation, and what one needs or prefers. An example is: “I’m really angry that you didn’t sweep the kitchen last night. We agreed that we’d take turns. Could you please do it now?”. In contrast, criticism is global and expresses negative feelings about a partner's character. For instance, "Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to always sweep the kitchen" is a criticism.

The Four Horsemen

According to the source, there are four behaviors, called the "Four Horsemen," that are particularly destructive to a relationship. These are:

• Criticism: This is the first horseman and it is described as a global attack on a partner's character rather than a specific complaint about behavior. In the example of Dara and Oliver, Dara criticizes Oliver for being forgetful about chores.
• Contempt: This horseman arises from a sense of superiority and disrespect towards one's partner. The source illustrates this with Dara sneering at Oliver's suggestion of keeping a chore list. Contempt is described as particularly damaging to a relationship.
• Defensiveness: Defensiveness is when one partner denies responsibility or makes excuses, thus escalating the conflict. The source uses the example of Oliver responding defensively when Dara says that she does things for him.
• Stonewalling: This occurs when one partner withdraws from the conversation, becoming unresponsive. The source indicates that this is a common reaction to a partner's negativity and can be a sign of a marriage that is not doing well.

Rewriting History

The source notes that couples who are happily married tend to remember the positive aspects of their shared history, and even glorify their past struggles. However, when a marriage is not going well, the history gets rewritten for the worse.

The Importance of Positive Interactions

The chapter points out that the key to a healthy relationship isn’t just about handling disagreements but how partners engage with each other when they are not fighting. It is mentioned that the first three principles are designed to strengthen the friendship and trust that are at the heart of a marriage. According to the source, a strong friendship acts as an "insurance policy," increasing the likelihood that repair attempts will work. The first step is to assess how much each partner knows about the other.

The Fallacy of Communication

The chapter also addresses the common misconception that learning to communicate more sensitively is enough to save a relationship. While communication is important, the source states that it is not the sole factor determining marital success. The focus should be on building friendship and trust, which provides the foundation for positive interactions and effective conflict resolution. It is emphasized that even when couples argue loudly, it does not necessarily damage the marriage if there is underlying positive engagement.

Chapter 4: Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps

Overview

This chapter introduces the first of seven principles for making marriage work: enhancing your "love maps". Love maps refer to the detailed knowledge each partner has about the other's inner world, including their likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. The chapter emphasizes that a strong marital friendship is built on this mutual understanding and that this knowledge is crucial for navigating the challenges that arise in a marriage.

The Importance of Love Maps

• Foundation of Friendship: Happy marriages are rooted in a deep friendship where partners know each other intimately. This knowledge extends beyond surface-level information to include each other's inner worlds.
• Navigating Life Changes: Couples who possess detailed love maps are better equipped to handle significant life changes, such as the birth of a child.
• Resilience: Detailed love maps help couples maintain their connection and navigate challenges, rather than being thrown off course. For example, couples who have detailed love maps from the start are less likely to experience a decline in marital satisfaction after the birth of their first child.
• Intimacy: A deep understanding of each other's inner world leads to a more profound and rewarding relationship.

Case Studies

• Rory: A pediatrician who ran an intensive care unit for babies, Rory's detailed knowledge of his wife helped them navigate the challenges of having a new baby. His love map was "the size of a wall chart," implying his profound knowledge of his wife.
• Maggie and Ken: Although they had not known each other long before marrying and deciding to have a family, their relationship was marked by intimacy. Ken stayed connected to Maggie's changing thoughts and feelings, demonstrating the importance of maintaining detailed love maps.

Exercises to Enhance Love Maps

The chapter includes exercises to help couples develop and deepen their love maps, emphasizing that this is an ongoing process. These exercises are designed to be done slowly and together.

• Exercise 1: The 20 Questions: This exercise involves asking a series of questions designed to reveal more about each other's current lives, thoughts, and feelings. Some example questions include:
  • What is my partner's favorite way to relax?
  • What is my partner's biggest fear?
  • What is my partner's favorite memory?
  • What are my partner's current stresses?
  • What are my partner's current hopes and dreams?
• Exercise 2: Who Am I?: This exercise encourages a deeper exploration of each other's inner worlds through a series of questions about:
  • Triumphs and Strivings: This section explores personal achievements, psychological triumphs, experiences that exceeded expectations, and periods of overcoming trials.
  • Injuries and Healing: This section delves into difficult events, psychological insults, losses, disappointments, traumas, and how each partner has survived and healed.

The Next Step

• Ongoing Process: Getting to know your spouse better and sharing your inner self is an ongoing, lifelong process.
• Regular Updates: Couples should revisit the exercises from time to time to update their knowledge of each other.
• Asking Questions: Regularly ask questions to stay updated on your partner's life and feelings. One therapist suggests asking, "What's up, doc?" periodically.

Connection to Other Principles

Love maps are the first step in building a strong marital friendship. They serve as a basis for other principles, such as expressing fondness and admiration, as well as turning towards each other instead of away. They are also necessary for navigating conflict successfully.

By having a detailed understanding of each other's worlds, couples can strengthen their friendship, enhance their romance, and better cope with life's challenges. The chapter emphasizes that this principle is not just about knowing each other's surface-level preferences but about understanding each other's deepest hopes, dreams, fears, and vulnerabilities.

Chapter 5: Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

Overview

This chapter focuses on the second principle for making marriage work: nurturing fondness and admiration. It emphasizes that a strong sense of appreciation and respect for one's partner is crucial for a healthy relationship. This principle acts as a buffer against negativity. Even though it seems obvious that people in love would have a high regard for one another, spouses often lose sight of their fondness and admiration over time. The chapter includes questionnaires and exercises to help couples assess and enhance their fondness and admiration for each other.

Fondness and Admiration as a Shield

Couples who value each other highly have a shield that protects them from being overwhelmed by negativity. This positive regard makes it easier to address problems in the marriage and initiate positive change. The exercises in this chapter are not only for troubled relationships, but they are also an excellent way to heighten romance in stable and happy marriages.

Fondness and Admiration Questionnaire

This questionnaire is designed to assess the current state of fondness and admiration in a relationship:

• It includes statements such as:
  • "I can easily list the three things I most admire about my partner".
  • "When we are apart, I often think fondly of my partner".
  • "There is a great deal of affection in our marriage".
  • "I find my partner sexually attractive".
  • "My partner is one of my best friends".
  • "I get a lot of support in my marriage".
  • "I am proud of my partner".
• A score of 10 or higher indicates a strong area in the relationship, suggesting that the couple values each other highly and is protected from negativity.

Exercise 1: "I Appreciate..."

This exercise involves selecting five appreciations from a provided list and expressing them to one's partner in one's own words, including a specific example.

• The exercise often helps couples relax, laugh, and rediscover their connection.
• It serves to highlight positive qualities that may be taken for granted.

Exercise 2: Recalling Your History

This exercise guides couples in recalling the love and perspective that led them to be together. It is intended to focus on positive memories and not become a gripe session.

• Part One: Your History: It prompts couples to discuss how they met, their first impressions, early dating experiences, and memorable highlights.
• Part Two: Your Philosophy of Marriage: It encourages discussion about why some marriages succeed and others fail, how their parents' marriages influenced them, and to create a timeline of major turning points in their own marriage.

Exercise 3: Cherishing Your Partner

This exercise focuses on actively cherishing a partner. It consists of two parts:

• Part One: Checking ten qualities that are cherished in a partner from a provided list, noting a recent occasion when the partner displayed each quality, and reflecting on one's luck to be with this person. The list includes qualities such as active, adaptable, adventurous, ambitious, appreciative, authentic, aware, balanced, bold, brave, bright, and many others.
• Part Two: Writing a love note to the partner, expressing how much they are cherished for these qualities, and reading it aloud during a romantic date.

Exercise 4: A Seven-Week Course in Fondness and Admiration

This exercise aims to establish a habit of cherishing one's partner, particularly if there is a tendency to focus on negative characteristics. It consists of daily thoughts and tasks:

• Week 1 focuses on being fond of one's partner and remembering good times, including a romantic time and a physical attribute of the partner.
• Week 2 involves thinking about shared identity, beliefs, values, and goals. There is also a task to consider a secret shared with one's partner and a time when one's spouse was supportive.
• Week 3 includes reflecting on home as a place for support, recalling the first meeting, the decision to get married, the wedding/honeymoon, and how household chores are divided.
• Week 4 includes considering the things one appreciates, one's partner's merits, one's flaws one has adapted to, and other bad marriages.
• Week 5 asks you to consider how lucky you are to be married, difficult times you have faced, the affection between you, to give your mate a surprise gift, and plan an outing.

Chapter 6: Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

Introduction

This chapter focuses on the third principle for making a marriage work: turning toward each other instead of away. The core of this principle is that happy couples build a strong "emotional bank account" by consistently responding to their partner's bids for attention, affection, or support. It is through these small, everyday moments of connection that couples strengthen their relationship and build trust.

Turning Toward vs. Turning Away

• Turning toward means responding positively to a partner's bid, acknowledging their needs and emotions. It's about being present and engaged in the relationship.
• Turning away involves ignoring or dismissing a partner's bid. This can occur due to mindlessness rather than malice.
• Examples of Bids: A bid can be as simple as a request for help, a question, a comment, or a nonverbal gesture, like a sigh.
  • For example, a husband says, “That’s a beautiful sunset”.
  • A wife says, “Can you help me with these groceries?”
• The way couples respond to these bids has a significant impact on the quality of their relationship.

The Importance of Turning Toward

• Building an Emotional Bank Account: When partners consistently turn toward each other, they deposit positive feelings into their "emotional bank account". This bank account acts as a buffer, providing support during stressful times.
• Strengthening the Relationship: Turning toward creates a sense of connection and makes the relationship more resilient. It dramatically increases the odds that repair attempts will work and defuse tension.
• Fueling Romance and Passion: Bolstering friendship by turning toward each other fuels the romance, passion, and great sex that people hope marriage will provide.

Why Couples Turn Away

• Mindlessness: Couples may ignore each other's emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.
• Defensiveness: Sometimes, partners react defensively to bids, leading to conflict and disconnection.
• Ignoring the bid: People can ignore the bid or turn away from it completely.

How to Turn Toward

• Recognize Bids: The first step is to recognize when your partner is making a bid for connection. This requires being attuned to their verbal and nonverbal cues.
• Focus on the Bid: Instead of reacting to the delivery of the message, focus on the underlying need or request. Look for a bid underneath your partner's harsh words.
• Respond Positively: When your partner makes a bid, respond in a way that is supportive and validating. This can be done with words, gestures, or physical affection.
• Pause Before Reacting Defensively: Take a few deep breaths and ask what your partner needs from you.
• Communicate Understanding: Use phrases like “I want to respond to you positively, so can you please tell me what you need right now from me? I really want to know".
• Avoid Defensiveness: Try not to react defensively and instead focus on what your partner is trying to communicate.

The Emotional Bank Account Exercise

• This exercise helps couples track how often they turn toward each other.
• Partners draw a ledger and give each other a point each time they turn toward each other during the day.
• Examples of entries include "Called me at work to see how my meeting went" and "Took our van to the car wash".
• The point of this exercise is to highlight how frequently couples do or don’t connect.

The Stress-Reducing Conversation

• Purpose: This exercise helps couples support each other during stressful times. It emphasizes active listening rather than problem-solving.
• Key Steps:
  • Take turns being the complainer for 15 minutes.
  • Show genuine interest and stay focused.
  • Don't give unsolicited advice.
  • Communicate understanding and empathy.
    • Use phrases like “I’d be stressed out, too” or “I can see why you feel that way”.
  • Express affection.
  • Validate emotions.
  • Remember: the goal is understanding. Don’t try to problem-solve or minimize your partner’s feelings. Just tune in to what he or she is expressing.
• Use Exploratory Statements and Open-Ended Questions such as:
  • Tell me the story of that.
  • What are your concerns?
  • Tell me more about what you're feeling?
  • What do you need from me right now?
  • What is your worst-case scenario?
  • Help me understand this situation from your point of view.
• Avoid Asking "Why?": Instead, use statements like "What leads you to think that?" or "Help me understand how you decided that".
• Bear Witness: Show your partner you are really hearing what they are saying.
• Don’t Minimize Fear or Stress: Avoid phrases like “Don’t be silly” or “There’s nothing at all to be afraid of”.

Identifying Turning Away

• Use a Checklist: To better understand how you or your partner have been turning away or feeling overwhelmed, use the checklist that facilitates a search for links between the past and the present.
• Understand Subjective Reality: Recognize that your partner's perspective may be different from yours without either of you being right or wrong.

Chapter 7: Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You

The Importance of Accepting Influence

• This chapter focuses on the importance of sharing power and decision-making with one's partner, especially for husbands.
• The happiest and most stable marriages are those where the husband does not resist sharing power with the wife.
• When couples disagree, these husbands actively search for common ground rather than insisting on getting their way.

Research Findings on Gender Differences

• Research revealed a significant gender difference in how couples handle conflict.
• Wives may express anger but rarely escalate negativity. They either tone it down or match it.
• When husbands escalate negativity (using the "four horsemen"), there is an 81 percent chance of damaging the relationship.
• The author suggests that this may be due to sociological factors.
• An overly compliant wife might become depressed, which is detrimental to both her and the relationship, so escalating conflict can be a way of balancing power between spouses.

What Husbands Can Learn from Wives

• When a husband accepts his wife's influence, he strengthens their friendship.
• Men can learn a great deal about friendship from women.
• Women are generally more oriented toward discussing and understanding feelings than men.
• Men often have a lot to learn from their wives about maintaining a home.
• Emotionally intelligent husbands are open to learning from their wives.

Emotionally Intelligent Husbands

• About 35 percent of men studied are emotionally intelligent and this number has increased over the decades.
• These husbands honor and respect their wives and are open to learning about emotions from them.
• They understand their wives' world and make choices that show they value them.
• They choose "us" over "me".
• These husbands are also better fathers, being familiar with their children’s world and teaching them to respect their own feelings.
• They lead a meaningful and rich life, and are more effective because of their happy family base.

Yielding to Win

• The fundamental difference between husbands who accept influence and those who don’t is that the former have learned that you need to yield in order to win.
• The classic example of yielding to win is putting the toilet seat down.
• Accepting influence is an attitude and a skill.
• The key is to be willing to compromise by searching through your partner's request for something you can agree to.

The Common Dynamic of Conflict

• More than 80 percent of the time, it’s the wife who brings up sticky marital issues, while the husband tries to avoid discussing them.
• This dynamic is present in happy marriages as well.

Tim and Kara's Story

• The author recounts the story of Tim and Kara, where Tim's unwillingness to accept Kara's influence was at the core of their problem.
• Tim felt obligated to help his friend, and he saw Kara's attempts to get him to abandon his friend as a betrayal of his sense of honor.

Accepting Influence Questionnaire

• The chapter includes a questionnaire to assess how well a partner accepts influence.
• It provides a scoring system for evaluating the level of influence in the relationship.
• A score of 6 or higher indicates that a partner willingly cedes power and a marriage is emotionally intelligent.
• A score below 6 indicates that a partner is having difficulty accepting influence, which can make a marriage unstable.

Exercises for Accepting Influence

• The chapter presents exercises to help couples practice accepting influence by identifying the reasonable part of their partner’s requests and responding to them.
• A “Ship's Inventory” exercise is included, where partners have to rank items based on a survival plan, helping them understand how to compromise when they have different priorities.

Interrelation of the Seven Principles

• The chapter emphasizes that the Seven Principles are interrelated.
• As you master the other tenets of the program, you will find it easier to accept influence, and vice versa.
• A willingness to share power is a prerequisite for compromising and for handling conflict effectively.

Chapter 8: The Two Kinds of Marital Conflict

Overview

This chapter introduces the concept that marital conflicts can be categorized into two main types: solvable and perpetual problems. It explains that every marriage is a union of individuals with unique opinions, personalities, and values, leading to inevitable conflicts. The chapter also emphasizes that while some conflicts are minor irritants, others can be complex and intense, causing couples to feel stuck or distant. The primary aim of this chapter is to help couples distinguish between these two types of conflicts, as each requires a different approach.

Key Concepts

• Two Types of Marital Conflict:
  • Solvable Problems: These are conflicts that can be resolved by implementing effective conflict-resolution techniques. They tend to be less painful and focus on a specific situation without any underlying issues fueling the dispute.
  • Perpetual Problems: These are conflicts that stem from deep-rooted differences in personality, values, or needs, and they are unlikely to be fully resolved. These problems are more painful and intense because they are connected to larger, more significant issues.
• Distinguishing Solvable from Perpetual Problems:
  • Solvable problems often feel less painful and are focused on specific situations.
  • Perpetual problems are more gut-wrenching, intense, and connected to big issues like trust, security, and selfishness.
• Importance of Identifying the Type of Conflict: Couples need to determine what kind of conflict they are facing in order to address it effectively. If a couple tries to resolve a perpetual problem as if it were solvable, they will likely fail.
• The Impact of Unresolved Conflicts: When couples lack effective techniques for dealing with solvable problems, tension can increase. Unresolved conflicts, whether solvable or perpetual, can lead to couples feeling distant from each other.
• Underlying Issues: Perpetual problems often represent deeper issues, such as trust, security, or selfishness. It's crucial to understand the deeper meanings each partner attaches to the issue.

Insights and Explanations

• Solvable problems can cause a lot of pain if not resolved, even if they appear simple. Even if solvable, these issues can cause tension if not addressed effectively.
• The focus during a solvable problem is on a particular dilemma or situation.
• Perpetual problems are fueled by underlying issues and involve more vilifying on both sides.
• Understanding the deeper meaning of conflicts is essential, especially for perpetual problems. For example, a couple’s argument about speeding may be about deeper issues like trust and selfishness.
• It is very common for couples to experience both types of problems in a relationship.
• The chapter emphasizes that couples often feel mired in conflict or distance themselves as a protective device.
• The first step in dealing with conflict is to identify whether the issue is solvable or perpetual.
• When couples focus on the underlying emotional needs rather than the surface level issues, they are more likely to make progress toward resolving the conflict.

Examples

The chapter includes several examples to help differentiate between solvable and perpetual problems:

• Eleanor and Miguel: Their ongoing argument about Miguel’s speeding is identified as a perpetual problem because it's rooted in deeper issues like trust and security.
• Penny and John: Their conflict about how John puts on the baby’s diaper is a solvable problem. It is a specific issue that can be addressed by changing their approach.
• Jim and Thea: Their argument about household organization is identified as a perpetual issue, as they each feel attacked and defensive when the issue is raised.
• Brian and Allyssa: The conflict surrounding Brian’s raised voice is a solvable problem because they are fighting about his yelling rather than the initial issue.
• Isabel and Anthony: Their conflict after their baby’s birth is identified as a perpetual problem as it stems from different emotional needs. Isabel does not want her child to feel abandoned and Anthony feels that he is no longer a priority.
• Oscar and Mary: Their dispute over how to spend an inheritance is solvable and may be resolved by a compromise.
• Sarah and Ryan: Their arguments about tipping are perpetual as they have different meanings for money. Sarah views it as a part of a generous personality, and Ryan views it as security.

Additional Points

• The chapter includes a quiz to help readers distinguish between solvable and perpetual problems.
• The chapter emphasizes that negative emotions are important. Successful relationships listen when a partner is in pain and use these emotions to learn how to better love each other. It encourages partners to express negative emotions without attacking, so they can be heard and help to encourage healing. It acknowledges that these discussions are hard and advises gentleness.
• The importance of fondness and admiration is underscored as a means of accepting each other’s perspective and remaining happily married, even with each other's flaws. It suggests focusing on exercises in chapter 5 ("Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration").
• Forgiveness is highlighted as an essential part of moving forward.

Chapter 9: Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems

Overview

This chapter focuses on the fifth principle for making marriage work: solving solvable problems. It addresses how couples can effectively resolve disagreements that are not rooted in deeper, more fundamental conflicts. The chapter emphasizes that even seemingly simple issues can cause significant tension if not addressed with effective techniques.

The Importance of Good Manners

• Respect: The chapter emphasizes the importance of treating one's spouse with the same respect one would offer to a guest. It uses the analogy of how people would politely correct a guest who forgot an umbrella, compared to how they might criticize a spouse for the same behavior.
• Sensitivity: Couples need to be sensitive to each other's feelings, even when things don't go well.

Step 1: Soften Your Start-Up

• Avoiding the Four Horsemen: The most important aspect of a successful conflict discussion is to avoid the "four horsemen" (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) from the outset. A harsh start-up usually begins the cycle of the four horsemen.
• Shared Responsibility: The chapter emphasizes that for many men, hearing their wife acknowledge a shared responsibility is crucial in preventing tensions from escalating. Acknowledging a shared responsibility is like "manna from heaven" for some men.
• Components of a Softened Start-Up: The best softened start-up has four parts:
  1. "I share some responsibility for this..."
  2. Here’s how I feel...
  3. About a specific situation and...
  4. Here’s what I need (positive need, not what you don’t need).
• Focus on Feelings: Instead of focusing on accusations, partners should focus on how they feel.
• Describing, Not Evaluating: Communicate what you see without judging or evaluating. Instead of blaming, just communicate what you see.
• Clarity about Needs: Don't expect your partner to be a mind reader. Be clear about your positive need.
• Politeness: Use phrases such as "please" and "I would appreciate it if...".

Examples of Softened vs. Harsh Start-Ups

The chapter provides examples of how to soften a harsh start-up:

• Harsh Start-up: You never touch me.
  • Softened Alternative: I loved it when you kissed me in the kitchen the other day. You are a natural-born kisser. Let's do that some more.
• Harsh Start-up: I see you dented the car again. When are you going to stop being so reckless?
  • Softened Alternative: I saw that new dent. What happened? I am really getting worried about your driving, and I want you to be safe. Can we talk about this?
• Harsh Start-up: You never have time for me!
  • Softened Alternative: I have been missing you lately, and I'm getting a little lonely.

Exercise 1: Softened Start-Up

The chapter includes an exercise to help couples practice softening their start-ups. Couples are asked to supply softened alternatives for harsh start-up statements.

Step 2: Learn to Make and Receive Repair Attempts

• Importance of Repair Attempts: The source emphasizes that being able to "put on the brakes" is an important skill to prevent disasters in a marriage. Couples need to prevent discussions from escalating.
• Repair Attempts as Brakes: Repair attempts are described as being like the brakes of a car, helping to prevent disasters by terminating discussions that are getting off on the wrong foot.
• Calming Each Other Down: Couples who are able to effectively calm each other down when discussions are at risk of getting out of hand have a strength in their marriage.

Formalizing Repair Attempts

• Scripted Phrases: The chapter suggests using scripted phrases to de-escalate tension during arguments. Some couples even keep a list of these phrases on their refrigerator.
• Defusing Arguments: Formalizing repair attempts helps in two ways:
  1. The formality ensures that both partners know the meaning of the repair.
  2. The act of using the script helps to consciously stop the negativity.
• Categories of Repair Attempts: The phrases are organized into categories such as:
  • "I am sorry": Phrases to express remorse.
  • "I need to calm down": Phrases to express the need for support and calm.
  • "Get to yes": Phrases to encourage compromise and common ground.
  • "Stop Action!": Phrases to stop the argument and take a break.
  • "I appreciate": Phrases to express gratitude and appreciation.

Exercise 2: Repair Attempts Questionnaire

• Self-Assessment: The chapter includes a questionnaire to assess a couple's ability to make and receive repair attempts.
• Scoring: A score of 13 or higher indicates an area of strength, while a score below 13 suggests a need for improvement.

Step 3: Soothe Yourself and Each Other

• Physiological Flooding: The chapter discusses "flooding" which occurs when one or both partners become overwhelmed by their emotions. During flooding, it's hard to think straight.
• Self-Soothing: Self-soothing techniques are recommended to manage overwhelming emotions. A simple meditative breathing technique is outlined to help control breathing and relax muscles.
• Calmness: Self-soothing and keeping calm are important for creating a positive atmosphere.

Step 4: Compromise

• Negotiation: Compromise is not about just one person changing; it's about negotiating and accommodating each other. Successful compromise requires accepting a partner’s flaws.
• Avoiding "If Only": Couples need to avoid getting bogged down in "if only" scenarios, where they wish their spouse were different.
• Accepting Influence: Couples need to accept each other's influence in order to compromise.
• Identifying Non-Negotiables: List aspects of the problem that you can't give in on and aspects that you can compromise on. Keep non-negotiable items to a minimum.
• Two-Circle Method: A "two-circle method" is used to visually represent what can and cannot be compromised on. The inner circle lists non-negotiable items, while the outer circle lists aspects of the problem where compromise is possible.

Step 5: Be Tolerant of Each Other’s Imperfections

• Acceptance: Successful compromise requires accepting each other's flaws and foibles. It’s important to be tolerant of imperfections.
• Objective View: Look for what an objective bystander would consider reasonable about your spouse’s perspective.

Exercise 3: Working Through a Conflict

This exercise is designed to help couples work through a conflict by:

• Choosing a specific incident to discuss.
• Identifying each partner's feelings during the incident.
• Sharing each partner's subjective reality and what they needed during the incident.
• Identifying "enduring vulnerabilities" or triggers.
• Acknowledging each partner's role in the incident.

Additional Advice

• Rules of Etiquette: Couples are encouraged to establish rules of etiquette for communication. This may include banning electronic devices during meal times or when needing to talk.
• Standing Together: Husbands should stand with their wives and not in the middle when dealing with in-laws.
• Family Rituals: Couples need to establish their own family rituals, values, and traditions.

Chapter 10: Coping with Typical Solvable Problems

Overview

This chapter provides guidance on how to cope with typical solvable problems that couples face. The chapter emphasizes that even though solvable problems may seem straightforward, they can cause significant tension if not addressed effectively. The key is to approach these issues with emotional intelligence, using the techniques that emotionally intelligent couples use when handling disagreements.

The Importance of a Soft Start-Up

The chapter revisits the importance of a softened start-up when addressing a problem, especially for wives, because men tend to be more receptive when they feel they are not being blamed. A soft start-up involves:

• Acknowledging shared responsibility for the issue.
• Expressing feelings about the specific situation, using "I" statements.
• Stating a positive need or request clearly.
• Using polite language, such as "please" and "I would appreciate it if..."

The best soft start-up has four parts: (1) “I share some responsibility for this…” (2) Here’s how I feel… (3) about a specific situation and… (4) here’s what I need…(positive need, not what you don’t need).

The source provides examples contrasting harsh start-ups with softened alternatives:

• Harsh: "You never touch me."
• Softened: "I loved it when you kissed me in the kitchen the other day. You are a natural-born kisser. Let’s do that some more."
• Harsh: "I see you dented the car again. When are you going to stop being so reckless?"
• Softened: "I saw that new dent. What happened? I am really getting worried about your driving, and I want you to be safe. Can we talk about this?"
• Harsh: "You never have time for me!"
• Softened: "I have been missing you lately, and I’m getting a little lonely."

Exercise: Softened Start-Up

The chapter includes an exercise to help you practice creating softened start-ups. It encourages you to reframe harsh statements into gentler requests.

The Significance of Repair Attempts

The chapter stresses the importance of recognizing and utilizing repair attempts during conflict. It notes that the ability to "put on the brakes" when a discussion gets heated is crucial. The source also states that successful couples are able to calm each other down. The chapter includes a questionnaire to assess the ability to make and receive repair attempts.

The ability to make and receive repair attempts is a key component of managing conflict. Formalizing repair attempts by using scripted phrases can help you defuse arguments by:

• Ensuring that at least one of you is aware that the conversation has gone awry.
• Reminding you that you have the resources to resolve the conflict and reconnect.

Scripted Phrases for Repair Attempts

The chapter offers a detailed list of scripted phrases that can be used to de-escalate tension:

• Statements to help your partner understand how you are feeling, such as “I don’t feel like you understand me right now” or “I am starting to feel flooded”.
• Statements that indicate you need to calm down, such as “Can you make things safer for me?” or “Please be gentler with me”.
• Expressions of apology, such as “My reactions were too extreme. Sorry.” or “I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”
• Statements that lead to agreement, such as “You’re starting to convince me.” or “Let’s compromise here.”
• Statements that indicate the need to stop the discussion such as “Please, let’s stop for a while.”
• Expressions of appreciation, such as "Thank you for..."

Managing Physiological Flooding

The chapter highlights the importance of monitoring your physiology during tense discussions for signs of flooding. This refers to when one or both partners feel overwhelmed by the negative emotions associated with conflict.

The chapter includes a questionnaire to determine whether you are experiencing flooding.

Self-soothing is presented as a method for calming the body and mind:

• Controlling your breathing, taking deep, regular breaths.
• Relaxing your muscles, tensing and releasing them one by one.
• Focusing on calming thoughts or mental imagery.

The source notes that the best approach to self-soothing is to focus on calming the body through a meditative technique. The source notes that it is important that you and your spouse decide what is the best method of self-soothing that works for you.

The Importance of Compromise

Compromise is presented as a crucial aspect of solving solvable problems. The source notes that it is about negotiating and accommodating each other. You cannot compromise successfully if you don’t accept your partner’s flaws. The chapter reiterates that no one is right, and that there are two subjective realities in a conflict. The source recommends you work through the exercises in chapter 7 on accepting influence.

Key aspects of effective compromise:

• Identify the part of your spouse’s perspective that is reasonable.
• Use the two-circle method, where you make an inner circle of non-negotiable aspects of the problem and an outer circle of aspects of the problem where you can compromise.

Exercise: Processing a Regrettable Incident

The chapter includes an exercise designed to help couples work through a specific incident by:

• Choosing an incident to discuss with some emotional distance.
• Describing the situation in a neutral way.
• Identifying and sharing emotions experienced during the incident, using a list of feelings as a guide.
• Sharing subjective realities and needs at the time of the incident.
• Exploring enduring vulnerabilities by using a checklist to find links between past and present reactions.
• Acknowledging each partner’s role in what happened.
• Offering specific apologies.

High-Tech Distractions

The chapter also notes that technology can be a source of conflict and recommends establishing policies that both partners feel are fair. The chapter includes a scoring system to determine if technology is an issue in your relationship.

Chapter 11: Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock

Overview

This chapter focuses on the concept of marital gridlock, which occurs when couples are stuck in perpetual conflict without resolution. The chapter explores the hidden dreams and underlying issues that fuel these conflicts and provides methods for couples to navigate these impasses. It emphasizes that understanding and respecting each other's dreams are crucial for overcoming gridlock, even if the dreams themselves are not fully shared.

Identifying Hidden Dreams

The chapter notes that when couples feel stuck in a conflict, it is likely that hidden dreams are fueling the disagreement. This is indicated by the perception that the spouse is the source of the marital difficulty, for example, when one spouse labels the other as a "slob" or "irresponsible". The chapter highlights that these dreams may be unspoken or buried because one or both partners do not feel entitled to them, believing their desires to be "childish" or "impractical". The chapter explains that unacknowledged dreams can resurface as gridlocked conflicts.

The Importance of Safety and Friendship

The source suggests that uncovering hidden dreams is a challenge, as the dream is unlikely to emerge until the couple feels that their marriage is a safe place to talk about it. Therefore, it is important to strengthen the friendship by working on the first three principles outlined in earlier chapters, which focus on love maps, fondness and admiration, and turning toward each other. The chapter emphasizes that couples who are demanding of their marriage are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations.

Case Studies: Exploring Conflicting Dreams

The chapter includes case studies that illustrate how hidden dreams fuel marital conflict. Here are two of those examples from the source:

• Example 1: A couple, Jeff and Katherine, argue about how to raise their child. Jeff wants the child to have a lot of structured activities and be able to compete successfully. Katherine wants the child to have more freedom and emotional expression.
• Example 2: Another couple is in conflict because the wife, Sally, wants to buy a mountain cabin, but the husband, Gus, refuses, due to his focus on financial security.

Steps to Overcome Gridlock

The chapter provides a structured approach to help couples overcome gridlock, based on the premise that the key to breaking gridlock is to understand and respect each other's underlying dreams. The steps are:

1. Explore the dream(s): Each partner writes down their position on the issue, focusing on needs and feelings without criticizing the other. They should also explain the origin and meaning of the hidden dream behind their position.
2. Talk about dreams: Each partner gets 15 minutes to talk as the speaker, while the other is the listener, without trying to solve the problem. The speaker explains the importance and symbolism of their dream, as though they were talking to a friend. The speaker should focus on their own feelings, needs, and desires.
3. Soothe: Before continuing the conversation, partners can use calming techniques to lower their heart rates.
4. Reach a Temporary Compromise: Using the two-circle method, couples identify non-negotiable aspects of the issue (inner circle) and areas where they can compromise (outer circle). The source notes that the goal is not to solve the problem, but to help couples live with it more peacefully.
5. Say Thank You: After a difficult conversation about gridlocked marital conflict, couples should offer their partner three specific thank-yous to end on a positive note.

Case Examples of Resolving Gridlock

The source provides several examples of couples using the above steps to address gridlock. Here are two of those case examples:

• Example 1: Nicole and Kyle have conflict around emotions, because Nicole is very emotional, while Kyle sees it as weakness. They use the steps to uncover and address their hidden dreams, soothe, and find a compromise, with Nicole acknowledging that she cannot stop reacting to life with passion.
• Example 2: Ava and Thomas have conflict around socializing, because Ava wants to meet new people at social events, while Thomas wants to be the center of her attention. They use the steps to understand their dreams, soothe each other with reassurance, and compromise by agreeing that Ava is not interested in any man but him.

The Two-Circle Method

The chapter emphasizes the importance of the two-circle method in finding a temporary compromise, noting that it helps couples to identify non-negotiable needs and where they can compromise. This exercise involves each partner creating two circles:

• Inner Circle: Contains the core, non-negotiable aspects of the issue.
• Outer Circle: Contains aspects where they can be flexible and compromise.

The source notes that the goal is not necessarily to fully embrace a spouse's dream, but to honor it.

The Importance of Shared Meaning

The chapter emphasizes that a key to preventing gridlock is to recognize moments when you "miss" each other’s needs. The chapter notes that these small moments of hurt can make a couple more vulnerable to gridlock over more significant issues.

Chapter 12: Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning

Overview

This chapter discusses the importance of creating shared meaning in a marriage, which involves building a life together that incorporates each partner's values, goals, and dreams. The chapter emphasizes that while the first six principles are vital for a stable and happy relationship, a deeper sense of connection and purpose is needed to address the question "Is that all there is?" when a couple is going through the motions.

The Importance of Shared Meaning

The chapter begins with the story of Helen and Kevin, a couple who realized that despite loving each other and getting along well, they lacked a deeper connection. They felt more like "roommates who made love" rather than a family. Helen, who prided herself on her independence, initially enjoyed the couple’s separate lives, but over time, she began to crave more from her marriage. The source notes that, after attending a workshop, they realized that they wanted to feel more like a family.

The source notes that a blending of a couple's sense of meaning is more likely to occur when couples are candid and respectful with each other. The source also states that when they returned home, Helen and Kevin began to talk about their own families, family histories, values and symbols. This led to Kevin sharing a story about his grandfather and how the Monahan family tended to be generous. Kevin's telling of the story had a profound effect on Helen, and this conversation marked a turning point in their marriage. From then on, they frequently discussed values, like loyalty and generosity, which were instilled in them as children. They integrated each other’s family histories and values into their own lives and passed them on to their children. This resulted in a deeper, richer, and more rewarding relationship, while strengthening their marital friendship.

The Four Pillars of Shared Meaning

According to the source, there are four mainstays of shared meaning:

• Rituals of Connection: These are the recurring activities and traditions that couples create or maintain together, and which add stability, connection, and predictability to their lives together. They can be simple, daily routines or special events that are celebrated. The source highlights the importance of couples creating intentional and meaningful rituals. The chapter uses the example of one couple who had a ritual that involved fighting and clearing the air over any issues they had ignored.
• Shared Roles: This pillar focuses on the ways partners define their roles in the relationship and family life. It also focuses on the expectations each partner has about these roles and how they interact with each other. These roles can be around specific chores, but they can also be around larger aspects of family life like being the main caregiver, or the main provider, or the main social organizer. The source notes the importance of discussing expectations and how each partner's parents viewed these roles.
• Shared Goals: This involves identifying the ambitions and aspirations that couples strive to achieve together. These can be practical or more spiritual in nature and help to give couples a sense of purpose and direction. The source notes that these goals are not just about earning money or material things, but rather also about finding peace, or experiencing healing from past traumas.
• Shared Values: This pillar focuses on the core beliefs and philosophies that couples share, which often come from their family histories and cultural backgrounds. They include shared ideas about what is right and wrong, what is important, and how to make meaning out of life. The source uses the example of one couple, who valued being sentimental and reminiscing about their past.

The Interconnectedness of the Seven Principles

The source notes that the seven principles for making marriage work are interconnected and form a feedback loop. As you work on one principle, it becomes easier to work on the others. As the couple strengthens their shared meaning, their friendship grows, making conflict resolution easier.

Exercise: Using the Four Pillars to Create Meaning

The chapter provides an exercise with questions to help couples create shared meaning by discussing the four pillars. It recommends working on the pillars that need the most attention and that the questions should be viewed as a starting point for future discussions and not something to complete in one sitting. Couples are advised to discuss differences, find common ground, honor each other's values and dreams, and find ways to be supportive of each other. If the discussion causes an argument, it is recommended that couples work through the exercises in the chapters about principles 4, 5, and 6. The couples are invited to write their own family constitution.

The exercise is divided into the four pillars and includes several questions. The source notes it is not necessary to answer all questions.

• Pillar One: Rituals:
  • What rituals do you have in your relationship?
  • What are your feelings about the rituals that are currently a part of your marriage?
  • How would you like to improve, adjust, or add to your current family rituals?
  • What family rituals from childhood do you each bring to your relationship?
  • How can you create and maintain new rituals that are meaningful for both of you?
  • How are your rituals similar or different to your parents' rituals?
  • What new rituals would you like to create?
  • What do your rituals say about your family?
  • How will your children come to understand the rituals of your family?
• Pillar Two: Roles:
  • How do you feel about your role as a husband or wife?
  • What does this role mean to you?
  • How did your father or mother view this role?
  • How are your views of these roles similar and different?
  • How would you like to change this role?
  • Do you feel you have a clear understanding about your roles in areas such as finances, child care, housework, sexuality, and dealing with extended family?
  • How do you balance these roles in your life?
  • What are all the ways that your relationship already supports you in the roles you play?
  • What else can your relationship do to support you in the roles you play?
• Pillar Three: Goals:
  • Write a “mission statement” for your life.
  • List the missions that matter to you in this lifetime.
  • What are your most important goals?
  • What makes these goals so important to you?
  • Which of these goals are shared by you and your partner?
  • How do you support each other in reaching your respective goals?
  • What common goals do you share that you could work harder to make happen?
• What does your marriage need to be like so that you are able to achieve your dreams? * Do you have goals you have not been able to achieve? * What are the obstacles to achieving these goals? * How can you prioritize your most important goals in comparison with more immediate, but less significant, concerns?
• Pillar Four: Values:
  • What symbols show who your family is in the world, what you value about being members of this family?
  • Which family stories do you consider sources of pride that you consider central to your traditions and symbolic of your values?
  • What does a home mean to you?
  • What qualities must it have?
  • What was the experience of home like for each of you during childhood?
  • What objects or activities symbolize a meaningful and well-lived life?
  • Do you feel that you express your philosophy of life to the degree you’d like?